I’m hearing of what people are going through and trying to distract myself, wondering when will I meet my family, because it doesn’t seem to get any easier because it’s actually been a very long never-ending phase & honestly everyone’s too exhausted and is waiting for a break, a real pandemic & pain free break, that just seems too far away.
While I’m okay, many I care about aren’t. And while my heart & prayers reach out to them, I’m just a million miles away, can’t make them hurt any lesser, can’t replace their pain with joy, can’t do anything about the vacuum the loss has created in the lives of many.
The thought of losing loved ones is a nightmare, but the fact that so many of us have lost, seems so unfair. I couldn’t be there for my friends or family & I didn’t have the right words, no one prepared us how to handle loss, what are the right words, what do you do when you can’t hug & comfort them. What do you do when you feel their grief, see their strength and just wonder what is going on in their head right now.
We will all have to go through this loss, only a matter of time & we will probably never be ready for the inevitable, I just pray you find comfort, strength, peace & hope to pray for those who have lost, those who we lost & for those that have no one who’d pray for them.
The world is hurting, while we carry on life, pretending nothing has happened or we remain untouched, we can’t be so unbothered with the uncomfortable reality that sometimes life gives us something that we believe we can’t handle or something we aren’t ready to handle and accept, but it rips right through us anyway, like the rough waves of an ocean pulling at you and whilst you’re still reeling from the shock of it, knowing very well how close to the shore you stood for the inevitable wave to come hit you, sometimes you’re so numb to realise how deep you got sucked into that bottomless ocean.
My sweet love, if you’re in this ocean right now, wondering ‘why me?’ , I just hope you someday realise, it would happen to all of us, pain will come and rip us all apart , for different people in different ways, and yet in the end the raw hurt & grief would still be the same, this pure animalistic gut ripped open, heart stabbing pain. And our minds would be a storm of thoughts or silence of denial. The magnitude of pain sometimes we perceive to be different from people to people and sometimes we look at the good ones going through shit and wonder why , they did not deserve it, why would they be going through something incomprehensible. Well, I don’t know, I often try to understand that too. But it seems beyond me how unfair life can be sometimes. But this is life, we don’t really have a say when it comes to stuff we can’t control. We can only hope we have the strength to be upright or even the strength to breakdown and then crawl back up, so people who look at us for strength and hope know, that it’s okay to be weak, broken & shattered, but it’s not okay to give up on your pieces and trying, trying to hold yourself together, trying to resurface post the trauma, trying to exist & breathe and get on.
Either way, with time we learn to be okay with it, we learn to focus on little moments and little joys, while they say you forget, I don’t think we ever do forget , we just bury it deep within & get on with life. The ‘whys, ifs, what…. all keep adding up & the questions without answers sometimes don’t matter anymore. Because we survivors learn to take one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.
Sometimes when it gets too much, too overwhelming, we shut it out, we keep it at bay & we pretend to be okay in a little bubble we create to thrive & exist.
It’s made me question alot, I wonder how we all are truly doing, how mentally exhausted we are. How drained or blest we feel with being in the same house with people we love, day in amd day out, craving for the people we can’t meet or haven’t seen in a long time, missing out on the good big days of our loved ones, missing out on being there for those in their loss. We have missed to share our joys and sorrows in person, and as digital as this world gets, slowly losing sense of human connection, slowly becoming more monstrous, more inhumane, filled with more pain, how soon before we all shut our humanity, because we can’t take it anymore or would we rather hold on to the little bits of hope, faith & the need to be loved and to love, to be held and to hold, to cherish & to overcome, to dream and to work hard, to push & to hold back, to learn to grieve & be brave, to be there in some way that doesn’t make sense now, but to just be human, even when we don’t understand.
I pray as together we are in these trying times, may someday the better days that I hope would come for us all, we be even more together than today.
To my loved ones who have lost, who have gained, who have won or failed, who are trying to be afloat or remain sane, who put on a brave face , I love you. I pray for you. I hope for you. And I hope to hug you & let you know, you matter, you’ve always mattered. I did not have the right words for you at the right time, I still don’t have them. I don’t know if anything I say would ever make you feel any better or if it even matters. But when I can’t understand how, I shall hold you in my prayers . Take care. Be safe. Stay strong.
Immortal words. Mortal me. 