Tag Archives: choice. life. love

Carpet of wrong turns.

Hidden carpet of wrong turns ,

take me to the skies,

lead me on , beyond the ways

I couldn’t pass by.

Hear me out, oh Wrong turns!

don’t make my life a lie,

I chose you over 

all that life offered without any spite.

You were so tempting and conniving

Oh Wrong turns!

I was Eve , you – the Serpent,

You bit me, you hissed,

even my tears I risked,

I lost a lot, Oh wrong turns !

Your carpet holds the dead remains,

you snatched away, you gnawed at me,

you left me brutally mundane,

I repent though, Oh carpet of wrong turns!

I repent not thinking wise,

but the lessons you gave,

you made me so brave,

I’m starting to believe, I can rise.

Flying through you , oh carpet of wrong turns !

I’m learning to live my life,

And so now when I choose the right,

I remember how you taught me

from wrongs how to reach out into the light,

So hidden carpet of wrong turns,

within me you reside,

take me over and above my fears,

help me build my might in this fight.

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Choices that we think are wrong. Or have wronged us, in some way or the other, aren’t actually wrong .

There is something right in them. Look harder and someday you shall see what I meant.

I have learnt far more better certain amazing things about life deeply through my wrong turns. No , there wasn’t just once I was wrong, I’ve been wrong a great many times, but I’ve learnt something always and made sure to be wise.

But sometimes it’s not about being wise or practical or living how you are expected to, sometimes it’s about intuition, it’s about feeling something right in the moment, these situations may be right for that moment and wrong in all other, but that doesn’t mean , it’s wrong entirely. For the moment it was created, that choice you made was meant to be, whether wrong or right, everything is fated, it is bound to happen, one way or the other, whatever we choose to live with or depart from, essentially is a part of a much bigger beautiful plan by our God.

So dear there, don’t feel disheartened about being wrong, or choosing wrong , stop feeling disappointed, repent though, work hard to forgive yourself and seek forgiveness where needed, work harder to understand the depths of the lessons hidden in this carpet of wrong turns.

As humans it is pretty normal for us to fall prey to it, don’t be too hard on yourself though, 

learn to let go of this carpet when it’s time, 

learn to heal, 

learn to feel that things happen and life stops for no one. 

Move dear, move forward, 

move into the light that awaits , 

whether right or wrong, you will find a way. 

Stay hopeful. Stay blest.

Much love. 

For each breath is a gift.

Life ?

How’s it going ?

Definitely not like I imagined.

I had this vision. Study a professional course, have some years of experience and someday have my own office, my own cabin. Be the boss of my life. Earn and enjoy life, never once forgetting to thank God.

But that vision is lost in time. Now , I’m not sure what I once wanted is what I need at this hour.

I never once imagined me having a blog, being a writer, making pic quotes, writing a book, inspiring a few , connecting emotionally with many, and fighting the odds of racism, mental work harassments, and body shaming. 

I never imagined that I would see the truth about  the thing I very much once wanted, that it did not have the sparkle I had falsely seen in it. I’m not entirely sure where my happiness lies, at this moment.  Maybe it’s this phase of confusion, I need some much needed “Me time” to decide the route out of my crises.

There are tons of things we never imagined or thought of. Yet they happen to us. Tons of lessons we hoped we never would ever face, yet we become the victims, tons of cautions we undertake, yet the damage is done. Things that we can’t really control, things that throw us off our pendulum. So at unease, leaving us at a terrifying phase. 

And then, we sit to wonder , what did go wrong ? what were the mistakes?

Take enough me time. To delve more deeply into your own self, trying to understand what your life is , trying to understand the situations you face, if you can go through it, or if you have a way out, if you wish to take that way out ? or not? But in the first place if you want to go through it. A choice

A choice is what most often changes every chapter of our life. And sometimes these very choices end up with “what ifs ?” and “whys?” .

Could be a toxic relationship we chose to be in, or decided to break free of, that’s a chapter of love and break up. Pretty messy. 

What if you had chosen to never give it a chance in the first place ? 

There would be no messy chapter, no rough life lessons to learn about letting go and building yourself.

The immence growth that we see in us , after every changing sphere of our lives, is the maturity we are gifted, with the very life lessons that come from hurt, grief, missery, anxiety and broken trust, the very lessons we hope to never face. Yet we must . 

Have courage, to encounter such challenges that crush you time and again, no matter how excruciating the pain or the phase of hopelessness is. 

Because these are the very dawns to our days of victory. Victory over being our true brave mature self.

Fun and frolic is a very essential segment of our life, let not the burden of growth through painful encounters and crises, make you give up on finding growth through laughter.

Because as much as pain and crises tear us apart so we learn how to rebuild our selves from our ashes, so does laughter and happiness heal all our empty spaces.

We need a balance of both , happiness to air float and heal and feel gratuitous, and sadness to keep us grounded and hopeful, and understand the depths of life. 

Life is in those million mini seconds, where your heart squeezes with happiness at a baby laughing, where your eyes shed tears when you are mourning, where you can smile despite a chaotic phase, where you have and acknowledge the many things and people that add something of them to every of your days and nights. 

Life is in these zillion pieces, where you breathe, through the highs and lows, and often forget to  realise what a gift indeed it is to breathe, and stay alive.

Praise the Lord. Praise you Jesus.

Thank you lord, for saving and protecting my loved ones. Thank you for the gift of our lives.

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Blunders of life.

He left her for someone else ,

& She kinda learnt to re-live.

Even though it hurt so bad,

betrayals make you longer grieve .


He spoke about his endless dreams,

and made her believe she was in.

And on the hill top, as he neared,

He’s very presence had her feared.

Somehow she knew she had to leave,

because the hope he gave,

her heart couldn’t around weave.


He was like butter,

melting over a hot pan,

He tried to make her heart flutter,

then she realized his underlying plans,

He understood she wasn’t his pawn,

& so He shut her out, because she had let him down.


He texted her and got all yo yo!

She cringed and thought- ‘why me though ?’

again She was disappointed with disrespect,

Wishing everyone had a label on their heads,

Hah ! that would have been so utterly perfect!


So much for trying to be more hopeful,

so much for getting down the walls,

with the endless falls,

each encounter made her more remorseful,

but she still stood brave & tall.

No love! she can’t allow you in,

unless you teach her how to trust from within,

give her endless reasons, so you she could believe in,

realizing she doesn’t know anything about love,

hoping you could give her a meaning.

Remember she has far too many doubts, 

& many more fears have crept in,

She is exhausted with meaningless encounters,

so don’t expect her to easily give in .


_ L E A N D R A _

_ R O D R I G U E S _

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I am enough.

When I was a kid, I was hopelessly stick thin, black and looked like an unwanted ugly monkey.

Well I’m sorry I’m harsh,  but that’s what I believe I felt or was made to feel.

No matter how many tonics or foods or skirts of bukram they’d dress me with, no layers could hide away what I was.

Basically ugly. Unphotogenic.

Even though I was loved, it came with a condition of me not learning to love myself.

I was always conscious. No one bothered to teach me to love and accept myself.

On the contrary it was the exact opposite, I had to layer up in bukrams to not look like a stick or pull my unruly curly hair in tight pony tails making my head ache, only so they could think I was having a civilized upbringing.

What would have it been like , to be told then,

“darling you are beautiful with your wild hair, and caramel skin. No matter what you weigh, don’t let your heart be dismayed. We love you, and you should love every part of you.Because beauty lies within.”

Would I have learnt to love myself differently?

But it didn’t happen that way.

Self loving was and is probably a selfish thought , as per them. Knowing the way I’m brought up, I should put others  before me. Being selfless is the key to live a good life.

Is it ? Being human and selfless all the time, made me realise I’m always paying the price for disappointments and expectations. When will I learn to love, respect and accept every atom in my body ?

They don’t understand that it’s a necessity for every child to learn to accept themselves before they can accept the world as it is.

If these children haven’t conquered their inner most demons, how will they withstand the trials of this journey ? But no, fitting in was more important lesson then helping them gear up for life battles through self acceptance.

Ofcourse, as I hit puberty, my body changed, I did gain weight. And guess what , now they have words like pumpkin and fat ass for me.

The name calling never changes in time. Does it ?

You are either too thin or too fat!

what’s perfect to fit in? exactly? I never felt that, I won’t ever know what it is like to be loved for being the perfect puzzle fitting everyone’s expectations?

Even though with the weight I gained, I kinda became abit photogenic, so I’m kinda cute, not beautiful, mind you, that’s something only for the perfect shaped fair beauties. Beautiful is a word I hardly came across.

Have you ever tried telling your kid how beautiful they are, how beautiful their heart is ?

That’s a beautiful way to soar their spirit, But naaah, I’m sorry you’ll are always busy teaching them to fit in the world.

Why the hell can’t you’ll realize, that not all are meant to fit in ? Why can’t you let them be ?

Sometimes you don’t have to teach your child what is right, have faith in them, and let them decide. If you taught them well, they will do good. And if they fumble, teach them, that it is okay, that they can rise, that they are loved for what they are. They don’t have to be like someone else, rather just be themselves , the true self their spirit belongs to. Stop comparing them to their siblings and friends. Each one is different. Whilst they lack what the others have, they have something that others don’t, instead of boiling and cursing on what they lack, why can’t you appreciate what they have ?

How difficult is it ? To only say a few kind words with a warm smile, assuring them, that you accept them even if the world doesn’t.

So when I faced a tough life situation, where I had to let go of what I wanted, because it was toxic and degrading me. I was raw , and bare and cut open, with so much anxiety, pain and no self love. Always wondering what went wrong ?

What did I lack ? questioning my existence. Not having faith in my purpose ? What was I doing here ? Why am I breathing ?  Am I that unwanted? Can no one learn to love me ?

How can they , when I can’t?

I learnt it the harsh way, when I thought it was too late to, I’m not yet done learning to fully love and accept my self. But I’m working on it.

Baby steps, small steps, a step forward is a way forward.

And I tell you it isn’t selfish to self love, it is a wonderful way to self accept the inner most being you are. And that acceptance fuels your confidence and builds your belief in yourself.

It is very crucial to love oneself before you can love others. Because only then you have love within, love enough to share.

Harbor and harness that inner love, let it grow, and then you shall see the change, where you can feel the beauty gush out from within you to around you. You will have a wonderful vision of life and live even more peacefully in a world, that you need not fear, need not be forced to fit in, because you don’t have to, you can stand out, and make others believe in their true authentic self. Because that is enough. You are enough.

I am enough. More than enough.

Dear Future Husband #1

Love,

I know it’s weird me calling you that when I still question fate if you exist.

I’m still hoping for you to turn up or us to cross each other’s path.

Have all those romantic dates my head weaved and plans along with my heart.

Anyways, figuring with how life is at the moment, I’m still finding myself, and somehow I think its not time for us to yet meet and create our history. So I’m being patient.

But here’s something I’d like to share, if at all I forget to do so in the future when I might be tongue tied.

Today Dad came to me, with a bowl, on which was inscribed something sweet from a wellwisher .

It was like this ” Wishing you Mr. & Mrs Rodrigues a very happy and prosperous married life. dated 30.may.1987 ”

I could see the surprise on my dad’s face to hold that bowl and smile.

I think i quite know what went in his mind.

‘It is amazing that the bowl survived all these years, and it still is as good as new, not just that bowl, knowing my mom she will have tons of things preserved and taken care of. ‘

My point here is, it’s not just the things, it is them, their love, their marriage, that has survived 7+30=37 years. It’s brilliant and I know that it will survive their eternity.

I want this. If I do get married then, it will only be for this,

 a love that can survive all the ups and downs in life, a love that becomes the very home we live in, a love that is consuming, passionate and deeply understanding, a love that is not blinded by trust but founded on strong faith , a love like this.

When we do meet, can we try to have this.

My dad’s patience and my mom’s selfless nature along with their love together survived all 37 yrs could bring to them. 

What will ours be like ? will it make our kids want to have the same, like I yearn for what my parents have, nothing less.

Your’s in God’s time,

Lea.

Flawed, broken and beautiful.

Something about this is beautiful and relatable.

Everyone is beautiful.

Everyone is flawed.

And Everyone is broken.

Some will never accept,

Some will.

Everyone feels the power of healing in time, 

and peace that nature offers.

Everyone matures after trials and tribulations,

and Everyone changes.

Some turn bitter ,

Some turn sweeter.

Some grow numb,

Some dare to defeat life.

But life is not a gamble to win.

It is what we are , where we stand and where we go.

As we take bits of what’s offered and leave behind bits that burden us,

We renew ourselves unknowingly at every phase, every turn and every twist.

Living bitter makes you thirsty for happiness,

But happiness is a state of mind.

It is only achieved when your heart and mind are in oneness, in peace, in your inner calm.

You can be happy if you choose 

to not be bitter, but forgiving, 

to be patient and loving,

be kind, but cautious,

be good and brave,

be mature enough to live ,

knowing , understanding and believing in your self worth.

Not what others believe and evaluate.

But what you do.

Your belief of you , sets you apart.

Make that belief strong, withstanding and overpowering your pessimistic notions,

So strong that you are your own shield and sword.

Such a belief that sets you free.

Unhealthy obsession 

I realized I really had an unhealthy obsession about my best friend.

I get over possessive and overly hurt when my mountain of hideous expectations fail me.

Very often we unknowingly let our lives revolve around such obsessions.

Whilts there is endless love and acceptance that I have found in her humble soul,

I cannot let myself obsess over it and expect the unthinkable.

I need to let loose of people, of people I love. 

I cannot cling on to them, because that is unhealthy and toxic.

I need to learn to understand what it is to stand alone and on my own and accept myself at that value .

It’s tough to realise the vicious cycle that I weaved around me, its a trap, and when I finally see the clarity , it really feels like a break up.

Whilst I need to undo the damage and pain  I am self inflicting on me, I need to figure how things and my life should be, I need more clarity on making God my first priority and then me .

Sometimes you just realise things very late.

But when you do, you just need to change what is, what was and make something better out of it.

Break out of unhealthiness and unhappiness and march into contentment and self joy.

It is not selfish of me to decide to change so as to hold myself together.

It is not selfish of me to stop over investing and over prioritizing people who’s lives dont really revolve around mine, which I had an illusion about, because mine did revolve around them. And believe me when the clarity sunk in, it hurt, it hurt real bad.

Whilst they have their lives together, and a plan ahead, I need to work on mine, get my deteriorating life balanced and stable.

I am not a negative person, and I don’t hate them. They are still and will always be the people I love.

But henceforth they shall be people I love and not obsess about.

It’s quite  a challenge but With God I can do this.

Dear Lord,

Today I come to You, with all the bondages and obsessions and addictions that I have tied and weaved my life around.

I know and see and feel how they are slowly degrading me and making me lose myself in a pit of self torture and lamentations.

I come to You, so You may lead me on, help me find my lost way, and make me whole ,  restored and renewed.

Help me Lord that I may seek You and make You my life’s centre. Help me remain united in Your Spirit.

Fill me with Your grace, and rejuvenate my dying self with Your eternal love.

For with You alone , I have no disappointments, no hurt, no distractions, no addictions, no pain , no misery.

For with You, I know I will find myself with what’s left of me. 

For with You, I shall be victorious.

In the Most Holy , Precious and powerful name of my Lord Jesus Christ.

AMEN.