Category Archives: finding her

Attraction Distraction Obsession Destruction.

It all starts with a few stares shared. Or that head rush where you feel like you’re high and you can’t stop taking your eyes off the specimen of your interest.

From a stupid crush to the strong pulls of attraction, which often turns into fascination, and upon alil fueled flirty conversations you are likely to become obsessed to either impress or charm or seek the attention of the much wanted distraction , so you can have a twist in your stagnant boring life.

As much as crushing is a good feeling, and it is nothing evil or such, it’s just human of us to feel the pulls of the universe around, whether from a person in our vicinity or any other such object ;

but being obsessed is just another thing. Obssession comes only when you feed your crush feeling with even more strong pulls and pushes of attraction. And very often if you are not cautious , such obssession slowly takes control of the way you think, and feel, it kinda posseses you, and all you crave is that good mushy feeling all the time, the attention, the tingly beats of your heart, the head rush, the smiles that you dont keep a check on while reading a message or talking or simply checking out the object you are slowly getting obsessed with.

Mind you, unhealthy obsessions act as a trigger of self destruction . You may not realize it, but you are uneasy and unsettled and over thinking in the absence of your crush. And that often steals your peace and makes you agitated.

Remember, not all crsuhes come with a tag of love, some are just for us to live at the moment and forget. Not all attractions should be fed for you to get obsessed. And not all obsessions should you let possess you, and destroy the lil peace you have.

Unknowingly as humans we fall trap to the push and pulls of the universe, and so be conscious and know what should be fed and what should be starved. When you become too agitated in the absence of something, it is best to maintain a distance, find a good distraction and keep your mind busy, slowly the agitation will fade into nothingness given proper time.

It is the same like addiction. You are so obsessed over a thing, your brain controls your feelings and makes you believe that that particular feeling is something you need, you just need it , and you can’t do otherwise. But that’s not true. Everyone can adapt to changes and getting over an unhealthy crush or obssesion or lost love, may act as a challenge for a moment, but it isn’t something that you need, you can get over it, given time and how you starve your brain and feelings of longing or false need.

Trust me. All your brain does in this starvation phase is  make you irritated and tempts you to give in, go ahead and indulge in your crush even when you dont really get the feelings or treatment you deserve in return. It makes you want to believe that it is completely ok. That may be what you thought you deserve is overstated, and you should settle for less.

NO! DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. NEVER EVER DO THAT TO YOURSELF.

You first treat yourself with respect, know that you deserve what you offer in total equality. Nothing less. More is an added bonus.

What attention and feelings you invest, if reciprocated in the same force you have pushed so the other pulls, then it’s quite likely that such an investment may develop into a good relationship.

But if the crises forthcoming is seen before hand, you see the symptoms of an unhealthy relationship, then stop. Get back to yourself and catch yourself before you fall into the pit you digged.

Desolation is not a nice place to live in. Being irritated and sad and having thoughts of “what’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough?” are self destroying.

You are good enough. You are enough . Accept yourself first and let no one ever make you doubt that Your totality lacks anything. You are complete and unique , not a half , not unloved. You are your own person. And your love for yourself should be on par with your respect for yourself.

Questioning what you lack is mocking your self esteem and saying you love and respect yourself but not really feeling it genuinely.
Crush blush hush.

Don’t overpull, when pushed.

No one makes you sad, if you dont let them.

Let it not stranggle your peace.

It’s not worth thinking about if it makes you self doubt.

You are worth much more then being let down.

You are enough , even when they fail to see.

You are your own, change at your will , not at the will of others.

Take it easy. Take it slow. Go with the flow.

Take care. I hope this acts as an eye opener.

Have a great day.

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Dear Future Husband #6

Heyyyy honeyyyy,

today I’m  happy, for no reason,…

so I have a poem for you….
Walk with me ,

because only when you do,

You’ll know I’m your sunshine 

for the darkest days,

and your joy on the brightest.


Walk with me,

Because sometimes I’m the fire you need to feel fuzzy,

because I’m the twinkling sparkle in the crazy valley.


Walk with me,

because even when I’m gloomy,

You’ll have the best to read,

& while I write, you could watch me in my groove,

and a tadbit of jazz will help lift my spirits.


So Honey just walk me,

because when Im chirpy,

I will make you dance,

and sing crazy,

I’ll write u all the letters when I whine,

and you could tease me as we dine.


Just walk with me


Your’s in God’s time ,

Your love forever.

. … L e a n d r a … .

Someday for you #DFH .
#sigh #summerfeels #colourfulvibes #poetically_yours #poeticmode #poems #words #leeevibes #bliss #romantic

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Secure Insecure Curses.

Insecurities always kill my good vibes.

They are always too loud,

too disheartening,

always limiting my abilities.

And Sometimes I don’t want to feel the screams of the self criticism,

because I’m not in a race to fit in,

but in a journey to self love.

So honey, am I wrong if I am learning to love all my edges ?

Every darkest insecurity included.

—————–

Why is it so very difficult to get past some offensive, embarrassing or hurtful memories ?

Like “That’s not your size, it’s for the slimmer people.”  – means I shouldn’t dare touch it, it’s off limits, and taboo.

“That shade is too awful on you, you can’t wear it off .” –  means don’t you dare think you are Barbie, so you can pull off any damn color.

You know you are cute, yeah just cute, and they call me beautiful, but you are cute.” – means don’t bother, you can never be beautiful. The term beautiful includes inner beauty too, but naah, beautiful is a face that screams attention.

“You are a bookworm, nothing good will happen of you .” – Like seriously if I find books more interesting and friendly then overly dominating and hypocritical behavior, and I choose them over you, I don’t damn need your horrid curses.

You are always with your studies and your work, you don’t even know what a social life is .” – I’m sorry, if by social life you meant be a gossip queen like you, and spend like I own a freaking bank , when it’s not really the money I earned? I’m so sorry, I want to build a career and earn and not look like a gold digger as you. Because quite honestly, I will always prefer the person I am over you a million times.

You are beyond repair. Unless you hit the gym you’ll never get in shape.” – I didn’t realize you were attracted to amoeba me. Because your words depict a shapeless me. Like seriously If I’m amoeba, I have the super power to change shapes and alter my personality. No. one change, is cutting loose from heartless people like you.

You are getting older. Try looking for good guys that are hard to get. My daughter is lucky she found love. But if you don’t hurry, you might remain a spinster for life.” – Like fucking seriously, get real. Just because your daughter found love, does not mean everybody else is loveless. There’s a time for everything. And even if I stay a spinster for life, why is it bothering you so damn much . I lost repect for you, when you had such shallow thoughts for me.

.
Every time I have met my critiques, they have given me some serious verbal wounds that had a lasting impact on me. They engraved insecurity in me.

Insecurities that are so freaking loud, that everytime my blouse was alil short above my hips, I’d be as conscious as a rat smelling cheese, or everytime I see a couple in love, I would end up wondering if what she said might come true ?

and when I see me struggling with my career I wonder if really there’s nothing good gonna happen of me .

………………..


People your words leave your mouth in seconds.

But they leave behind wounds that can never be healed in time. These wounds are the insecurities you engraved in a child 

-that craved to be told she is beautiful when the world made her feel ugly,

-that wanted to believe in love when it was too tough but you told her love might never be for her ,

-that wanted to love herself, and help others too, but you kept shaming her body, her thoughts, her love.

What cruel trap do you weave which you forget and never once rethink about, but your words have a child victimized for life to deal with a tortuous battle of “I am not enough.”



Why ! Thank you.

I appreciate your role in my life.

I’m glad I now know to not get my (future) kids anywhere near the likes of you.

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Mystery

She belonged to the era,

where tiny Pluto was the 9th planet,

and solar system was an enchanting mystery,

where milky way in a crazy galaxy,

was like a bed of sparkles and white roses,

and now as reality sinks in,

and pluto is called a dwarf planet,

her galaxies have even more darkness ,

faint sparkles with anxiety & roughness ,

the mysteries now lie in her history,

and just as pluto is a question in the planetorial seas,

her life is filled with less sweet dreams,

and more of harsh realities.

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Desolation.

She craved silence,

and when she had it,

it killed her even more,

it was even louder, more tormenting.

Eventually she grew enough resilience,

to fight it,

but her wounds always kept her sore,

anxiety knocking off the ways she was surviving.

She tried to hush the voices,

trapping her , cracking her,

she tried to stitch all the reopenings,

but the more she fought to keep it all together,

the  more life was conniving.

She was losing a lost battle,

how much longer could she her demons be bribing ?

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Heroes always survive .

Beneath this façade of fake smiles,

buried were tons of lies,

as deep her wounds were,

she simply continued to survive,

and when faith was lost,

and hope was burnt,

a reason would she always find,

one small ray,

one small smile,

to make her want to thrive,

and from the depths of an ocean ,

she was the fire that burnt alive,

from the remains of her ruins,

she was the Phoenix born again to life,

and as the mighty ocean soaked her through,

she would still have courage

to have a leap of faith for a good flight,

and as she plunged into the unknown,

soaked in the sun,

her burdens leaving her torn,

with wings that never gave up, 

she would still fly,

because she was meant to soar,

to live and thrive,

she was her own hero,

and heroes always survive.


_ L E A N D R A _

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Realising what her soul needs.

Impending decisions

hurting her brain,

squeezing her heart,

shattered expectations,

endless rains,

ruining her fresh starts,

wishing and praying,

for ways unseen,

to know how to save 

what’s buried deep within ?

breaths so deep,

shudders of panic,

remorse and regrets,

hurting golden reflects,

slave of chosen thorns,

how to undo not being the hopeless pawn?

Conjure the courage,

hustle, you are brave,

hush the storms,

darling just salvage,

what screams for attention,

let it be sought,

for she is there amidst your wrongful retorts,

not lost, not broken, 

just awaiting,

for you to let the door be open,

and not leave her to rot.
_ L E A N D R A _

#leeevibes
#writersofinstagram #writersofinstagram

#writerden #writerdiaries

#writer #soulfood #soulpeace #write #wordporn #deeplove

#soullove #art #abstractart #abstractexpressionism #creativity #create #artistsoninstagram #poem

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Before I dive in my write up… let’s read this convo between me and my talented artist friend.

Kim : Check this out . ( A canvas of brilliant work of art )

Me: ***Mesmerised. And sad.***

Makes me want to be an artist. For life.

Kim : I know right!

Me: I wish… I so damn wish  I could go back in time and change fate.

(Inner voice screaming darling it’s never too late.)

Kim : Sometimes even I wish the same but then I remember all that we chose before, brings us to be what we are today.

Me: True that. If I dint have regrets, I’d not have a blog, I’d never know what writing meant to me.

“”””sigh”””

Ok, (deep breath) … It’s not too late to be an artist. Weirdly even today morning I ordered more artistic stuff. Seems like we don’t need a qualification to create. We can do that anywhere, anytime, because being an artist is being born to be one, no one can make you that if you don’t have that passion, that fire.

Kim : Oh Yes True! It’s the best thing we can give back of all that we’ve been given…. the experiences and the choices!

Me: You know, you give me hope when I lose mine. Thanks.

Kim : Same here darling, You’ve always inspired me. . even though we’re like not close friends , it feels I’ve known you like always! .. Thank Youuu!

Me: (I know the feeling… its because our spirits are sisters… )

Thank you too …

Other than that convo, I kinda revealed to my best friend whom I’ve been avoiding for days, because of her super powers of reading me, that I am not happy.

This past month I’ve been home, each day gave me a glimpse of who I am, who I truly am.

A girl with a spirit of an artist, writer and love for music. Passionate and peace loving.

Even though she had the right brain to tackle the tough life she always wanted, or so she thought, somehow she had let her true self be buried, she chose her brain over her heart,

and for the past 3 years it’s been her constant battle. She knew she wasn’t happy, always frustrated and tired of the stressful life.

Even though she worked smoothly in her work life, she knew this was not what she would love to do for life. And that reasoning was something she kept running from.

How can she undo the damage done, 3 years too late to realise,

or has life indeed given her a chance?

How will she face the questions and the society and her family?

When she thinks of the impending decisions,

she wonders if choosing is even a choice.

 

Working with all your heart, brings solace , a profound happiness.

But can she choose that ?

As much as her friend told her to grow a thick skin and face her demons.

Is it worth the risk ?

To see everyone looking at you like a failure, to see the crestfallen gaze of her parents,

She fumbles with the thoughts of broken expectations,

and fears not knowing the answer to –

how will she make them proud again ?

will this be enough ?