It’s been a very long time indeed. I haven’t been myself in this period- I’ll refer to as “the pause of my life.”
It had been a whirlpool of riotic feelings and pessimistic visions for as long as it lasted.
I am truly glad it’s over. The most difficult time in it all was for me to realise and accept that I had the key to shut it all once and for good. But I took my own time drilling me into an ocean of desolation and grumpiness.
I took time feeling unworthy, shattered, lost, and seeing failures and dark pits at every horizon.
They kept telling me ” this ain’t you, wake up. I learnt to be brave from you. I learnt to accept change from you. I learnt to be optimistic from you. You can’t be this negative. Stop inflicting self pity and torture.”
The words rang deep. But all I felt was hollow. It felt unreal, did I really mean all that? Did I really be someone who I am not now? How did I change? How do I change back? Where do I find the key I misplaced?
Questions and questions.. Never ending ordeal of pessimistic notions.
So many “Cannots, may nots, Will not, have not, not enough,…. ”
Oh! God save me, It felt like someone was ripping my soul before me to shreds and I stood there dumb, shakened, absorbed in the ruthless moment of misery.
It felt like someone inside me wanted to scream but I just couldn’t break free. I didn’t know how, nor when, nor what.
It’s just a moment that was all that I needed to snap out of this nightmare.
What a horrifying nightmare indeed!
There’s alot this pause taught me.
Analysing the situation. Analysing my life, me.
Accepting that I can control the thoughts that govern my life. That I will see the good in the bad. That I will be an optimist in the most undesired life situations. That I can go beyond this phase of negativity and lunge into the heaven of good positive vibes.
Things that we lose are things that we dont deserve. Things that we get are beautiful blessons ( blessings+ lessons).
Sometimes it is so difficult to forgive, when you are not asked to forgive. Sometimes it’s so difficult to forget what you forgive. And Sometimes it is so difficult to accept the wrongs you’ve done and to move on. Yet in time, we do it all naturally. Do not force yourself, what has to happen will find a way gradually.
Life never promised that the canvas would remain colourless. When there are colours of warmt and liveliness, everyone feels the joy, but when the canvas gets splayed with dark spots, not everyone is able to appreciate the hidden beauty in it.
Not everyone is able to see the better picture before us.
It takes time to see through what we don’t want to see.
It takes time to accept what we are not ready to.
And it takes time to appreciate what we accept.
There’s a hell lot of difference when we say, we forgive from our heart and keep no grudges, no regrets, no remorse, no crudeness, no hatred. The question is what or whom do we forgive?
The deed and the person are two differentiable things.
When you forgive the deed, you have forgiven the person. You have forgiven yourself. And so to rest you have laid your negative emotions. You have compassion towards you and your fellow beings. You won’t run or escape or ignore what is so tangible and before your eyes. You can face anything, when you have the peace within. This peace gives strength, hope, faith and courage to be more resilient and more welcoming to the endless difficult phases of life.
And when you forgive the person without forgiving the deed. You will never be at peace. You will never be able to be compassionate with yourself.
To reach out to your soul, you need to be at peace- peace that stills away all that is unbalanced and let’s you walk through the doorway to meet your own-inner-self. Only then you feel relaxed and calm.
You need to succumb to no evil pressures but to God ( any Positive source of energy) alone.
You need to be in oneness, with the image of your soul. Only through compassion you can see the reflection of your soul in the acts of your human form.
(what I meant by “Deed” : Deed is that act or moment or notion that you find unforgivable, or that disturbs you internally, or makes you lose your sense of judging reality)
“TAKE IT EASY, BUT DON’T TAKE IT LIGHT.” – these words my brother said to me will always be with me.
Negativity of your thoughts and people takes us nowhere but into worse negative situations..
But positivity will take us a long way, its a slow but the best antidote for a long term life gain..
I failed in my efforts to get my goal, the goal I always wanted. But now because of this pause I am suddenly not so sure, if it still is what I want. I will take my time to find a way in or a way out.
But for the time that I lost, I can’t use the time that I have in wailing and sniffing about it. I need to restucture my way of life, so I know That I will never have to worry about unstable roots again. I need to focus on growing and learning to bloom in spring, to provide shade in summer, to give warmth every winter, to reach out to the sun, to be a shelter to those in need, to absorb the negativity around and give away positive vibes, to plant a tree of hope and self-reliance in everyone who walks by me.
I need to never forget to be ever so grateful, for the arms that reached out to me, the smiles that encouraged me, the love that helped me out a mess I created. Thank you.
And the best thing that the pause gave me is the experience of God. That he never forsakes. That it’s okay to fall, but it’s not okay to not try to rise after the fall. That I am His Child, born to be victorious. And I have a spirit of life and peace that sets me free from all bondages of evil, sin and darkness.
And here I am resurfacing from the depths of the unwanted sea of pessimism.
I am the writer of my life, and I will write it till the end.
I will change the course of my ship, when I have to, even if I’m not ready.
I will enjoy the nasty jerks and mild swings of every tide.
I will build my life into something that I will always love.
And I will appreciate the fact that at all times I HAVE ENOUGH.
I will live a life of gratitude.