Category Archives: Random Thoughts

I’m not practical.

Confession time.
I envy my best friend ( in a good way) for her practical approach to life.

I can’t be practical , no matter how much I try.

And now I know why.
I’ve always battled with this, now I feel at home.
I am an artist, a creative soul.
I think deep, I imagine wild , I feel every emotion right from the very core of my soul.
Every thing I love to do, for me is to work with my all, passionately , deeply & intoxicatingly being aware I’m drowning into it in the moment.
When I’m writing, I’m lost. When I’m painting, I’m lost, in this place that’s mesmerizing, there’s just me, and calm and peace, serenity, compassion.
I’m sensitive to the heart, I’m impulsive.
I get bored easily , so I’m fidgity, my mind boggles almost everything around, observing, wondering, wandering, seeing shapes in the clouds or art in rustic walls, words in the gushing waters.
I can sit with you, and talk not one word, if I’m comfortable around you. And that silence I can enjoy. I don’t talk much when I’m thinking or putting a masterpiece together in my mind.
I had been a people’s pleasing person all my life , because I couldn’t say “no”. Now, I can. I am a people inspiring person now. I love making one person smile everyday, may it be my words, may it be my prayers, may it be my very impulsive crazy madness.
I’m bubbly & cheerful & childlike when I’m in a good mood, but when I’m not, I’m quiet & spaced out. Yes, I over think, a day dreamer, a night thinker, sometimes I plan, sometimes I go with my gut. And my instincts are always always always damn fckng right.

Being practical is going with that smart way of doing things in life, it involves lesser risk. But me? I love risks , I get drawn to complicated hazards for no reason. I take paths I choose, not practical, not always smart, but somehow soulful..
. – Leandra. .
.
(I wrote this to remind me on the days I wish I be more practical, why I can’t be what I’m not and why I should be happy for what I am. Creative souls are never practical, they are messy & crazy & feel everything in it’s greatest details. )

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I wondered…

I wondered what it was like to be ignited ?
to sing in the dark with the rhythm of the light?

I wondered what is was like to be embraced?
to be accepted with the flaws,
to not be ridiculed or chastened?

I wondered what it was like to be free ?
to not have a soul breathing down my neck,
to not live with anxiety?

I wondered how often have I felt peace to be me?
to not look at me in the mirror and see only the imperfections,
to create within me a home?

I wondered what love was meant to do?
to heal the wounds and fade the scars ,
to create a room in my heart that glowed liked the warmest sun?

I wondered what would life be like with less of hate & lack of prejudice?
to have more of trust ,
more of understanding
& more of empowering?

I wondered, I wondered ,
I wondered again,
How would I be, had there been no spotlight my entire upbringing?
would I be someone I can’t imagine?

#17 Her thoughts

Anxiety is that negative swirl of emotions that consumes you when you overthink and panic and feel that control has slipped through your grasps.

It’s more of a brain issue than of heart.

Your life is also your baby, you need to tend to it, tantrums and all, you need to feed it good, and nurture and harness it. Do well with what you hold, because what you do hold is dear life.

Someday I hope I’m even more well versed with human psychology and science of understanding emotions, thoughts and the process of reaching mindfulness.
I hope I can depart more of wondrous words and art , before I do depart;
It’s a long term goal.
Because being a writer and artist by heart, was never a choice, it is what chose me, it is Me.

But being anything else professionally will be something I choose, and I hope I’m able to decide on that route well , no matter how late or early.

Me as an Empath.

Somehow there’s more than just hope now, there’s a sense of going happily crazy discovering who I am, what are my limits & understanding the deeper purpose of my existence. And Somehow I just so damn well know.. “THERE’S MORE TO ME , THAN I CAN SEE OR I AM STARING TOO LONG AT, BUT WHAT AM I LOOKING AT & WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR ? ”

You can fool yourself to feel miserable and utterly overjoyed over perpetual reasons which are mind made up traps of playing the victim or just a veil darned for pretence of forcing you and all around of what an incredibly happy bird you are, you can always chirp , chirp & chirp, every season.

Sometimes we need the quiet (meditation) to realise if what we are and where we are is realistic or forced pretentious bubbles of non acceptance of reality subconsciously.

Stubbornness cannot be controlled unless you know what are you truly stubborn about, do you know ?

No! I DON’T PITY YOU. ON THE CONTRARY, I RESPECT YOU.
Pain is such a beautiful thing to happen to us, it makes you wiser .
A life with none would do you no good,
but again there is just no life with none of it.

It will touch you,a tiny sliver enough to cut a gash too deep. Just enough to give you a good tough shipwreck.
Hello there sailor, panic isn’t an option.
And I won’t ask you to be brave either,
do what you must, if you haven’t learn’t to deal with adversaries before you are hit than adversaries will teach you how to deal with it.

And remember nothing happens to you without it having a wonderful defining meaning to your life. The good, the bad, all alike.

You can lose what you dont expect to and gain what you don’t intend to, and yet , I want you to halt there AFTER a good healthy grieving , to look out for the other side of the coin you are so stubborn to not give a looking.

I see you , wanting help but not really asking, I see wanting to help and not knowing how, may my words reach you :
“YOU are beautiful, amazing and a vibrant soul. Your pain is defining you. The furnace will burn you. But it will also mould you. Don’t give up thinking it’s the end, smile , because there’s just a new journey right there, waiting for you to turn and take a chance and plunge into another breathtaking adventure. Life will give you all the colors you’ll need, and no one will paint your masterpiece so refulgent, than you, yes you, you alone. ”

We often hear people telling us, “let your pain and failures not define you”.
But I want to tell you,
” Let it define you, let it mould you, and may you find the courage to see how uplifting it is for it’s true worth. Do not go by what the world claims, it calls pain trash and failures setbacks & crap, but no, it is so much more than just a mere rock, inside of which is the most purely formed and distinctively created jewel.”

Gentle voice of mine.

Well sometimes we are faced with both the voice, one that snaps at any progress and makes us believe it’s still less,
and one that pushes us with a gentle voice forward and reminds us each tiny lil step counts.
While you’ll need the harsher one to give you a taste of reality and be your own fair judge, and mentally make plans on how to approach the situation, with worst case scenario and best possible strategies .
There will also be that voice that will tell you to calm down and breathe and take one day at a time. And this is the voice that you need to prioritize.

Often with the lifestyle we are so engaged in, this voice is like a tiny freckle in the space around us, most often it’s the “not good enough” blowing away the hidden sips of joys that breeze through your way.
Take time to understand and to listen to both of them, and then pay more attention to the one that is more gentle on you.
Because through the narrow gentlest stream gushes the most pure, ferocious and magnificent river.

All that snapping and negative motivation will sometimes be alil too harsh on those already wearing out nerves, learn the art of mindfulness. That life is right where you are, breathe it. Don’t chase it, because it’s not something you chase , it’s something you absorb, something you cherish , something you observe and feel and live.

Stay blest.

Standing up for my 20yr old self.

I’m not sure if I’m far too late, but as they say, better late than never.

To the professor I forgive but will never forget and to the me that was too absorbed in the moment.

It was just an ordinary day, we were swooped with events coming up. College was simply buzzing with excitement of rushing through the syllabus and muddling through various events, fetching laurels and keeping a stable fame going and that having said , it was my final year there.

I was asked to meet with a sweet professor , Mrs.A, just after the recess (break) to plan an event and get info so I could work on my compering skills alil better. And so as I made my way towards the place she asked me to wait, I heard a man screaming black and blue and white, it took me a moment to realise he was indeed taking the brunt of his pent up frustrations on me. And dare I utter a word in my defense I was told I had no right to speak, I was mannerless and a “Nothing” , a hell lot many things, and also that my parents had failed miserably in my upbringing; now that struck a chord too deep. (He was a professor in the college as well, just never been my professor.)

One: my upbringing was/is utter perfection, I had just the right manners and modesty to never raise my voice at elders especially not professors. NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO QUESTION THAT.

Two: I am an Ace. Success has always been my friend. I hustle and work hard, I’ve not got everything that I achieved, easily served on a platter. I am most definitely not a “Nothing.”

Three: Students are the assets a professor should feel blessed to nurture and mould, they are not your personal punching bag. Especially, when a professor knows not a thing about me, that gives them absolutely no right to be a judge of my character. Honestly, no professor is a judge, you are meant to teach and guide, not give your opinion on someone. That does not come in your job requirements/specification . If you can’t be a motivator to help positive increase in your pupils then certainly don’t be the source of demotivation, humiliation and unjustness to curb the growth. Correct the wrong, but don’t abuse your designation to manipulate the good as well. To be a role model, you have to be a judge of your own character on a daily basis. No one becomes a teacher overnight, sometimes not even in years, your experience and qualification will mean nothing to a student if you dont give them something to remember you by, something solid, something good and cherishable, if that even must be your explaining skills or a just a smile to go on.

Four: I wonder if he ever wondered what did he earn by creating a reputation of terror, fear and bitterness in his pupils ? And that saying, I was not the only one he ever humiliated. The only thing that happened alil differently was, my parents wouldn’t take such an experience easy. Thank God they did not. It did make me feel alot better to have someone stand up for me.

It’s not like I didn’t stand up for myself , no matter how much I felt like shattering in the moment, I did have it in me to soak what had happened before the entire college, and walk to the principal’s office to speak what I felt and let him be a judge. Gladly the professor who had asked me to meet her, Mrs.A, spoke for me, as even she was not spared in the process of very public humiliation.

The other professor emphasized to her and the vice principal that I – a nothing is worth not being the compere of the upcoming event or any event for that matter . He told her that she didn’t know how to get better suited students and something more along the lines, that I was not fit to be in the organising committee.

While most of the college staff actually had nothing bad against me, I don’t really get it how had this professor been so cruel with his words when never had we the chance to even meet, forget greet in my 2.5 years of existence there. Unbelievable!

My fault was that I wasn’t in class after the recess bell, and it was so naturally presumed that I was a lying , manipulative student, ready to bunk and give an excuse of meeting a teacher. When in reality I truly was, even when Mrs. A corrected him that she had asked me to meet her, he gave her a piece of his mind. That was even more uncalled for.

Five: That day I learnt a very very crucial lesson. I had not one friend in that entire damn college who came up to me and say a word or even ask if I’m okay. Not even the one’s I was close to, even after the soap opera had ended. Everyone around was too stubborn on pretending that nothing had happened and I most definitely was either invisible or didn’t exist in that moment. I don’t know what exactly they feared, him or that I would insult them. But honestly it just made me realize, how poor indeed I was in the friends department. The only people who stood beside me was that sweet professor and my parents -despite not witnessing the situation.

I envy those students who have friends to stand up for them, when I do read about similar experiences in the newspapers. I feel sad to accept, there wasn’t a soul among my peers to say a word, until it was too late, like it didn’t even matter then.

May be a reason I am not so close to anyone that is tagged with the word college, I guess.

….

Well this happened almost 4-5 years ago, but it still is fresh.

When the professor did realize the mistake he did have something to say to me, what with the pressure of the staff standing for me, after the scene with my parents, and all. I remember the exact words he said – ” I didn’t know who you were. But you should know that even if I threw gold in the gutter, gold will still be gold, its value will not decrease, it will always shine and sparkle wherever it is.”

I smiled and left.

That man a few days back broke hell loose to ensure it was imprinted in my head and the entire college that I was a mere nothing, and now he parables me about being the gold, in a corridor that had no other soul present. Irony of life . You can humiliate before the entire college, but apologies are to be private ?

The damage was done, it couldn’t be undone, and the fact that I was solely determined that my marksheet would scream that I -a nothing am an achiever of something, had a burning fuel in me. I did it, I was able to get me a 2nd Rank at the state in my bachelor’s degree.

Humor me again, Why throw the gold in the gutter? Who does that ? Oh but some do!

So dear self,

Right here, right now, we have made our peace. But I needed to speak up for the me that stood in shock listening to crude words thrown without sparing any nerve back then.

Time to get it straight , shit does happen. As funny as things recalling now seem, it was indeed a grave situation to be in. Especially feeling alone momentarily and questioning if 3 years in a place had given me even one authentic person to rely on or much less call them friends?

No matter how much time you invest in people, not all are meant to be your friends, some are just strangers beneath the word hanging above their fake facades .

Life is not always about give give forgive, it is also about learning to stand up for your own self. I wish it was me now that was present then, because somehow this self of mine is much more able to ensure no one walks over me and gets away with it.

But it’s okay. There’s alot to learn and kindness will always be our virtue, so I wish him peace who has none, and wish them peace who’s masks life had undone.

May be I am alil bitter about what happened, because it honestly is not as easy as people often preach, I can forgive, and I genuinely have, but forgetting is not easily achieved.

I’m happier , wiser and blessed. All that happened, had to, it made me open up to alot of things, and the main lessons of all were;

One : the entire world will fail you, but parents never forsake their child. Honour and respect and love them for they unconditionally love you. And they stand by you, when no one will. Treasure their presence indefinitely.

Two: Things don’t last. Everything is temporary. It passes. Bad times and good, slip away as you blink. You will laugh at the chaos in time. And everything sums up to this question, “How much are you willing to lose and what all are you willing to embrace in a journey of learning to self love and self discover the infinity of all your abilities?”

Thank you for being patient then. It’s okay that you found it difficult to speak up more, it’s okay that you felt your lowest. It’s okay that it took me so long to put this all into words. But for once , now I can lay this to rest in peace.

All you who have had similar experiences or worse, standing up for yourself should come freely to you, if you are right no one screaming at you has a right to tell you otherwise. Give them time to vent and then ensure they realise it was all futile.

Because no one can take away from you the freedom of speech, a significant fundamental right. Practice it for positive impacts and preserving the goodness, stand up for yourself.

(Well, some would say that I’m making a big fuss about something so stupid but it’s not. It taught me something worth sharing. )

Art heals.

Well when I look at this,
I see rage, hatred, frustrations and the need to stab.

The poor paper took all the wrath and turned all that negativity that was killing me on a bad day (that I can’t recall at all at the moment.), into something beautiful.
The days of the breakthrough.

Honestly now that I think of it, art has helped me grow so much into being more at peace with my soul.

Bad days don’t last. And in time you won’t even remember them. You won’t remember feeling hurt or agitated or needing to face punch anyone.

You will forgive but sometimes not forget.

You will find peace and smile at the raging storms.

Somehow all that happens to you is the best thing happening to you.

The good, the bad, the falls, the climb, the soaring or the passive times,
everything , everything is needed to shape you.
We feel that sometimes some right things dont happen to us at the time we feel is right.
But that’s your head pushing you to think and believe that. That is you wanting to be treated at someone else’s clock. No! Their time is not your time. Their life is not your life.
Your Destiny is yours and the life you make is also yours.
Learn to keep the line and be mindful always to remember to not cross this.
Don’t muddle with the boundaries of want and desires, and needs and wishes and hopes, and what is realistically happening at a pace you should accept willingly.
Believe that good things are happening, work on greater better things, work on you. Always.

Turn all that negativity into productivity. For me painting helps with that aspect. Find your channel of rooting this energy into something magical and healing. Invest that sulking time into something that gives ypu immense peace. You will find that solace, keep looking , be observant of what makes you smile, happy and peaceful.

Every day is a journey of learning something new from you, from new & old people , from nature, from God, from things that our ordinary lives hold and bring to us.

Stop judging you and stop judging everyone. That’s the enemy that keeps breaking in to make you feel restless.

Stay blest.