Insecurities always kill my good vibes.
They are always too loud,
always limiting my abilities.
And Sometimes I don’t want to feel the screams of the self criticism,
because I’m not in a race to fit in,
but in a journey to self love.
So honey, am I wrong if I am learning to love all my edges ?
Every darkest insecurity included.
Why is it so very difficult to get past some offensive, embarrassing or hurtful memories ?
Like “That’s not your size, it’s for the slimmer people.” – means I shouldn’t dare touch it, it’s off limits, and taboo.
“That shade is too awful on you, you can’t wear it off .” – means don’t you dare think you are Barbie, so you can pull off any damn color.
“You know you are cute, yeah just cute, and they call me beautiful, but you are cute.” – means don’t bother, you can never be beautiful. The term beautiful includes inner beauty too, but naah, beautiful is a face that screams attention.
“You are a bookworm, nothing good will happen of you .” – Like seriously if I find books more interesting and friendly then overly dominating and hypocritical behavior, and I choose them over you, I don’t damn need your horrid curses.
“You are always with your studies and your work, you don’t even know what a social life is .” – I’m sorry, if by social life you meant be a gossip queen like you, and spend like I own a freaking bank , when it’s not really the money I earned? I’m so sorry, I want to build a career and earn and not look like a gold digger as you. Because quite honestly, I will always prefer the person I am over you a million times.
“You are beyond repair. Unless you hit the gym you’ll never get in shape.” – I didn’t realize you were attracted to amoeba me. Because your words depict a shapeless me. Like seriously If I’m amoeba, I have the super power to change shapes and alter my personality. No. one change, is cutting loose from heartless people like you.
“You are getting older. Try looking for good guys that are hard to get. My daughter is lucky she found love. But if you don’t hurry, you might remain a spinster for life.” – Like fucking seriously, get real. Just because your daughter found love, does not mean everybody else is loveless. There’s a time for everything. And even if I stay a spinster for life, why is it bothering you so damn much . I lost repect for you, when you had such shallow thoughts for me.
Every time I have met my critiques, they have given me some serious verbal wounds that had a lasting impact on me. They engraved insecurity in me.
Insecurities that are so freaking loud, that everytime my blouse was alil short above my hips, I’d be as conscious as a rat smelling cheese, or everytime I see a couple in love, I would end up wondering if what she said might come true ?
and when I see me struggling with my career I wonder if really there’s nothing good gonna happen of me .
People your words leave your mouth in seconds.
But they leave behind wounds that can never be healed in time. These wounds are the insecurities you engraved in a child
-that craved to be told she is beautiful when the world made her feel ugly,
-that wanted to believe in love when it was too tough but you told her love might never be for her ,
-that wanted to love herself, and help others too, but you kept shaming her body, her thoughts, her love.
What cruel trap do you weave which you forget and never once rethink about, but your words have a child victimized for life to deal with a tortuous battle of “I am not enough.”
Why ! Thank you.
I appreciate your role in my life.
I’m glad I now know to not get my (future) kids anywhere near the likes of you.
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