When I was a kid, I was hopelessly stick thin, black and looked like an unwanted ugly monkey.
Well I’m sorry I’m harsh, but that’s what I believe I felt or was made to feel.
No matter how many tonics or foods or skirts of bukram they’d dress me with, no layers could hide away what I was.
Basically ugly. Unphotogenic.
Even though I was loved, it came with a condition of me not learning to love myself.
I was always conscious. No one bothered to teach me to love and accept myself.
On the contrary it was the exact opposite, I had to layer up in bukrams to not look like a stick or pull my unruly curly hair in tight pony tails making my head ache, only so they could think I was having a civilized upbringing.
What would have it been like , to be told then,
“darling you are beautiful with your wild hair, and caramel skin. No matter what you weigh, don’t let your heart be dismayed. We love you, and you should love every part of you.Because beauty lies within.”
Would I have learnt to love myself differently?
But it didn’t happen that way.
Self loving was and is probably a selfish thought , as per them. Knowing the way I’m brought up, I should put others before me. Being selfless is the key to live a good life.
Is it ? Being human and selfless all the time, made me realise I’m always paying the price for disappointments and expectations. When will I learn to love, respect and accept every atom in my body ?
They don’t understand that it’s a necessity for every child to learn to accept themselves before they can accept the world as it is.
If these children haven’t conquered their inner most demons, how will they withstand the trials of this journey ? But no, fitting in was more important lesson then helping them gear up for life battles through self acceptance.
Ofcourse, as I hit puberty, my body changed, I did gain weight. And guess what , now they have words like pumpkin and fat ass for me.
The name calling never changes in time. Does it ?
You are either too thin or too fat!
what’s perfect to fit in? exactly? I never felt that, I won’t ever know what it is like to be loved for being the perfect puzzle fitting everyone’s expectations?
Even though with the weight I gained, I kinda became abit photogenic, so I’m kinda cute, not beautiful, mind you, that’s something only for the perfect shaped fair beauties. Beautiful is a word I hardly came across.
Have you ever tried telling your kid how beautiful they are, how beautiful their heart is ?
That’s a beautiful way to soar their spirit, But naaah, I’m sorry you’ll are always busy teaching them to fit in the world.
Why the hell can’t you’ll realize, that not all are meant to fit in ? Why can’t you let them be ?
Sometimes you don’t have to teach your child what is right, have faith in them, and let them decide. If you taught them well, they will do good. And if they fumble, teach them, that it is okay, that they can rise, that they are loved for what they are. They don’t have to be like someone else, rather just be themselves , the true self their spirit belongs to. Stop comparing them to their siblings and friends. Each one is different. Whilst they lack what the others have, they have something that others don’t, instead of boiling and cursing on what they lack, why can’t you appreciate what they have ?
How difficult is it ? To only say a few kind words with a warm smile, assuring them, that you accept them even if the world doesn’t.
So when I faced a tough life situation, where I had to let go of what I wanted, because it was toxic and degrading me. I was raw , and bare and cut open, with so much anxiety, pain and no self love. Always wondering what went wrong ?
What did I lack ? questioning my existence. Not having faith in my purpose ? What was I doing here ? Why am I breathing ? Am I that unwanted? Can no one learn to love me ?
How can they , when I can’t?
I learnt it the harsh way, when I thought it was too late to, I’m not yet done learning to fully love and accept my self. But I’m working on it.
Baby steps, small steps, a step forward is a way forward.
And I tell you it isn’t selfish to self love, it is a wonderful way to self accept the inner most being you are. And that acceptance fuels your confidence and builds your belief in yourself.
It is very crucial to love oneself before you can love others. Because only then you have love within, love enough to share.
Harbor and harness that inner love, let it grow, and then you shall see the change, where you can feel the beauty gush out from within you to around you. You will have a wonderful vision of life and live even more peacefully in a world, that you need not fear, need not be forced to fit in, because you don’t have to, you can stand out, and make others believe in their true authentic self. Because that is enough. You are enough.
I am enough. More than enough.