The pandemic of loss

I’m hearing of what people are going through and trying to distract myself, wondering when will I meet my family, because it doesn’t seem to get any easier because it’s actually been a very long never-ending phase & honestly everyone’s too exhausted and is waiting for a break, a real pandemic & pain free break, that just seems too far away.

While I’m okay, many I care about aren’t. And while my heart & prayers reach out to them, I’m just a million miles away, can’t make them hurt any lesser, can’t replace their pain with joy, can’t do anything about the vacuum the loss has created in the lives of many.

The thought of losing loved ones is a nightmare, but the fact that so many of us have lost, seems so unfair. I couldn’t be there for my friends or family & I didn’t have the right words, no one prepared us how to handle loss, what are the right words, what do you do when you can’t hug & comfort them. What do you do when you feel their grief, see their strength and just wonder what is going on in their head right now.

We will all have to go through this loss, only a matter of time & we will probably never be ready for the inevitable, I just pray you find comfort, strength, peace & hope to pray for those who have lost, those who we lost & for those that have no one who’d pray for them.

The world is hurting, while we carry on life, pretending nothing has happened or we remain untouched, we can’t be so unbothered with the uncomfortable reality that sometimes life gives us something that we believe we can’t handle or something we aren’t ready to handle and accept, but it rips right through us anyway, like the rough waves of an ocean pulling at you and whilst you’re still reeling from the shock of it, knowing very well how close to the shore you stood for the inevitable wave to come hit you, sometimes you’re so numb to realise how deep you got sucked into that bottomless ocean.

My sweet love, if you’re in this ocean right now, wondering ‘why me?’ , I just hope you someday realise, it would happen to all of us, pain will come and rip us all apart , for different people in different ways, and yet in the end the raw hurt & grief would still be the same, this pure animalistic gut ripped open, heart stabbing pain. And our minds would be a storm of thoughts or silence of denial. The magnitude of pain sometimes we perceive to be different from people to people and sometimes we look at the good ones going through shit and wonder why , they did not deserve it, why would they be going through something incomprehensible. Well, I don’t know, I often try to understand that too. But it seems beyond me how unfair life can be sometimes. But this is life, we don’t really have a say when it comes to stuff we can’t control. We can only hope we have the strength to be upright or even the strength to breakdown and then crawl back up, so people who look at us for strength and hope know, that it’s okay to be weak, broken & shattered, but it’s not okay to give up on your pieces and trying, trying to hold yourself together, trying to resurface post the trauma, trying to exist & breathe and get on.

Either way, with time we learn to be okay with it, we learn to focus on little moments and little joys, while they say you forget, I don’t think we ever do forget , we just bury it deep within & get on with life. The ‘whys, ifs, what…. all keep adding up & the questions without answers sometimes don’t matter anymore. Because we survivors learn to take one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.

Sometimes when it gets too much, too overwhelming, we shut it out, we keep it at bay & we pretend to be okay in a little bubble we create to thrive & exist.

It’s made me question alot, I wonder how we all are truly doing, how mentally exhausted we are. How drained or blest we feel with being in the same house with people we love, day in amd day out, craving for the people we can’t meet or haven’t seen in a long time, missing out on the good big days of our loved ones, missing out on being there for those in their loss. We have missed to share our joys and sorrows in person, and as digital as this world gets, slowly losing sense of human connection, slowly becoming more monstrous, more inhumane, filled with more pain, how soon before we all shut our humanity, because we can’t take it anymore or would we rather hold on to the little bits of hope, faith & the need to be loved and to love, to be held and to hold, to cherish & to overcome, to dream and to work hard, to push & to hold back, to learn to grieve & be brave, to be there in some way that doesn’t make sense now, but to just be human, even when we don’t understand.

I pray as together we are in these trying times, may someday the better days that I hope would come for us all, we be even more together than today.

To my loved ones who have lost, who have gained, who have won or failed, who are trying to be afloat or remain sane, who put on a brave face , I love you. I pray for you. I hope for you. And I hope to hug you & let you know, you matter, you’ve always mattered. I did not have the right words for you at the right time, I still don’t have them. I don’t know if anything I say would ever make you feel any better or if it even matters. But when I can’t understand how, I shall hold you in my prayers . Take care. Be safe. Stay strong.

How are you?

So no one asked nobody, for nobody wanted to undergo the wrath of somebody and feel like a fool.
So many died without a real soul talk,
and many just lived to die through this monotonous walk.

If you live life with no one your soul connects with, what are you living for?
Material world is a thief of joy and peace. It has nothing lasting.
And if you can’t look a person in the eye and read them, how can you expect anyone to read you, understand you, vibe with you?
If you want to keep the people who actually ask you about your mental well being, stop holding onto ego, pride and the superiority complex.
All souls are equals, connect on that equal level, leaving the realms and prejudices of the material world behind.
Back in old days, asking everyone we meet “how are you doing?’ came as a habit.
No one asks you that anymore with a reason to actually know how you’re holding up, except to nod off to the ‘I’m fine, wabt you ?’ banter.
This is so robotic. 🙄

Every person is fighting a mental battle. We are all learning professionals of showing off “Nothing can hit me, I’m Rock-(wo)-man .”

How like us ! 😑

Anyway, I did want to check on you, I really do hope you are doing fine.
While, if you have no hope, suffice in the thought that I Hope for you. 😊
Stay blest.

Climb with Jesus.

My dear friends,
Often in life soaring after a fall, you find yourself trapped again or falling again, and the fear & anxiety that crawls makes you feel like you don’t know how to control this change of tides.
That’s because you don’t control it.

God does.

Why do we go to HIM in our dire times of needs , but often take Him for granted in our peaceful time? Why often we fail to Praise Him, acknowledge Him ? Why to fit in with non believers we pretend to be loose on grounds of faith? Or to fit in with firm believers , we pretend we know Him the most?
And yet often the non believers ask us to pray to Him?

What is our faith lacking?

If you have read tons of books in your lifetime, have you read your BIBLE thoroughly? From the Old testament to the New?

It gives us a choice between life & death, good & evil, and advices us this :
Deuteronomy 30:19 CHOOSE LIFE.

When facing a battle and we expect defeat, it says :
Deuteronomy 31:6 BE DETERMINED AND CONFIDENT.

Deuteronomy 31:8 THE LORD HIMSELF WILL LEAD YOU & BE WITH YOU. HE WILL NOT FAIL YOU OR ABANDON YOU, SO DO NOT LOSE COURAGE OR BE AFRAID.

Exodus 33:14 THE LORD SAID , “I WILL GO WITH YOU AND I WILL GIVE YOU VICTORY.”

Victory is ours if He is our sheild.

Make His word your armour and not even the raving oceans can defeat you. Even whilst drowning you will have hope of being saved, you will know that HE IS WITH YOU.

Remember this my friend,
Numbers 18: 20 I, THE LORD, AM ALL YOU NEED.

Ecclesiastes 7:14 WHEN THINGS ARE GOING WELL FOR YOU, BE GLAD, AND WHEN TROUBLE COMES, JUST REMEMBER : GOD SENDS BOTH HAPPINESS AND TROUBLE , YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT.

There is simply no need to explain life and how meaningful it is, especially when Our Bible has all the answers.

Remember, those battles against God’s chosen people (Israel) were the WILL OF GOD. They had to learn to be faithful to HIM, they had to acknowledge THAT HE IS ALL WORTHY, ALL MIGHTY, EVER SO FAITHFUL, MERCIFUL & LOVING. THAT HE IS POSSESSIVE of His chosen, that He does NOT tolerate substitutes . That every battle against you is HIS CALL FOR YOU TO TURN TO HIM, GLORIFY HIM , HAVE FAITH IN HIM.

How countless are the substitutes in our lives when it comes to God?
Can we too learn to be open to HIM at all times?
He knows our deepest thoughts, our plans, everything that we do.

Proverbs 15:3 THE LORD SEES WHAT HAPPENS EVERYWHERE , HE IS WATCHING US, WHETHER WE DO GOOD OR EVIL.

Remember :

Ecclesiastes 3:11 HE HAS SET THE RIGHT TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

His will for us surpasses the plans we have for our life. Let’s go to Him & let him guide us through our climb.

Jeremiah 29 : 11-13 I ALONE KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU, PLANS TO BRING YOU PROSPERITY AND NOT DISASTER, PLANS TO BRING ABOUT THE FUTURE YOU HOPE FOR.

THEN YOU WILL CALL TO ME, YOU WILL COME AND PRAY TO ME , AND I WILL ANSWER YOU. YOU WILL SEEK ME AND YOU WILL FIND ME, BECAUSE YOU WILL SEEK ME WITH ALL YOUR HEART.

Stay blest all of you.

May Lord give you peace , courage & faith to embrace your climb and walk through it with HIM.

For you who needs somebody .

​I want to inspire,

just as you inspire me.

I want to be there,

just as I wanted someone 

to be there for me.

I want to reach out in all your agony,

so my words may help you see more clarity.

Just as I faced my storms,

so shall you,

Just as I learnt to be calm,

I pray you do too.

And when you know 

you aren’t alone,

you’ll have more courage,

and that, I’ll pray may never turn into a blinding rage.

As your hope flickers,

you will revive your lost faith.

And when no reason you find,

you will look up to seek your purpose,

with a weary drooping spirit,

and no answers to life’s endless questions,

you shall learn to thrive,

without knowing the morrow,

with hazy visions, and shaky steps,

moving forward, will help you regain your zest.

And as from the fire you emerge,

all hot and blazing and reshaped,

you shall see your strength,

and why life had you so much scrapped.

It will make sense,

let time help you blend,

Don’t lose heart,

Darling it’s a start,

someday you shall understand 

everything under heaven has it’s own part.

It is all but – a mighty plan,

let it reveal to you, lead you to God’s hand,

hold it, as He will mould you,

open up, He will teach you,

Life is peaceful, when you’ll learn 

that tears and pain do not really you burn,

and the happiness you chase,

is indeed through the fire that sets you ablaze.

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I am enough.

When I was a kid, I was hopelessly stick thin, black and looked like an unwanted ugly monkey.

Well I’m sorry I’m harsh,  but that’s what I believe I felt or was made to feel.

No matter how many tonics or foods or skirts of bukram they’d dress me with, no layers could hide away what I was.

Basically ugly. Unphotogenic.

Even though I was loved, it came with a condition of me not learning to love myself.

I was always conscious. No one bothered to teach me to love and accept myself.

On the contrary it was the exact opposite, I had to layer up in bukrams to not look like a stick or pull my unruly curly hair in tight pony tails making my head ache, only so they could think I was having a civilized upbringing.

What would have it been like , to be told then,

“darling you are beautiful with your wild hair, and caramel skin. No matter what you weigh, don’t let your heart be dismayed. We love you, and you should love every part of you.Because beauty lies within.”

Would I have learnt to love myself differently?

But it didn’t happen that way.

Self loving was and is probably a selfish thought , as per them. Knowing the way I’m brought up, I should put others  before me. Being selfless is the key to live a good life.

Is it ? Being human and selfless all the time, made me realise I’m always paying the price for disappointments and expectations. When will I learn to love, respect and accept every atom in my body ?

They don’t understand that it’s a necessity for every child to learn to accept themselves before they can accept the world as it is.

If these children haven’t conquered their inner most demons, how will they withstand the trials of this journey ? But no, fitting in was more important lesson then helping them gear up for life battles through self acceptance.

Ofcourse, as I hit puberty, my body changed, I did gain weight. And guess what , now they have words like pumpkin and fat ass for me.

The name calling never changes in time. Does it ?

You are either too thin or too fat!

what’s perfect to fit in? exactly? I never felt that, I won’t ever know what it is like to be loved for being the perfect puzzle fitting everyone’s expectations?

Even though with the weight I gained, I kinda became abit photogenic, so I’m kinda cute, not beautiful, mind you, that’s something only for the perfect shaped fair beauties. Beautiful is a word I hardly came across.

Have you ever tried telling your kid how beautiful they are, how beautiful their heart is ?

That’s a beautiful way to soar their spirit, But naaah, I’m sorry you’ll are always busy teaching them to fit in the world.

Why the hell can’t you’ll realize, that not all are meant to fit in ? Why can’t you let them be ?

Sometimes you don’t have to teach your child what is right, have faith in them, and let them decide. If you taught them well, they will do good. And if they fumble, teach them, that it is okay, that they can rise, that they are loved for what they are. They don’t have to be like someone else, rather just be themselves , the true self their spirit belongs to. Stop comparing them to their siblings and friends. Each one is different. Whilst they lack what the others have, they have something that others don’t, instead of boiling and cursing on what they lack, why can’t you appreciate what they have ?

How difficult is it ? To only say a few kind words with a warm smile, assuring them, that you accept them even if the world doesn’t.

So when I faced a tough life situation, where I had to let go of what I wanted, because it was toxic and degrading me. I was raw , and bare and cut open, with so much anxiety, pain and no self love. Always wondering what went wrong ?

What did I lack ? questioning my existence. Not having faith in my purpose ? What was I doing here ? Why am I breathing ?  Am I that unwanted? Can no one learn to love me ?

How can they , when I can’t?

I learnt it the harsh way, when I thought it was too late to, I’m not yet done learning to fully love and accept my self. But I’m working on it.

Baby steps, small steps, a step forward is a way forward.

And I tell you it isn’t selfish to self love, it is a wonderful way to self accept the inner most being you are. And that acceptance fuels your confidence and builds your belief in yourself.

It is very crucial to love oneself before you can love others. Because only then you have love within, love enough to share.

Harbor and harness that inner love, let it grow, and then you shall see the change, where you can feel the beauty gush out from within you to around you. You will have a wonderful vision of life and live even more peacefully in a world, that you need not fear, need not be forced to fit in, because you don’t have to, you can stand out, and make others believe in their true authentic self. Because that is enough. You are enough.

I am enough. More than enough.

Dear Future Husband #1

Love,

I know it’s weird me calling you that when I still question fate if you exist.

I’m still hoping for you to turn up or us to cross each other’s path.

Have all those romantic dates my head weaved and plans along with my heart.

Anyways, figuring with how life is at the moment, I’m still finding myself, and somehow I think its not time for us to yet meet and create our history. So I’m being patient.

But here’s something I’d like to share, if at all I forget to do so in the future when I might be tongue tied.

Today Dad came to me, with a bowl, on which was inscribed something sweet from a wellwisher .

It was like this ” Wishing you Mr. & Mrs Rodrigues a very happy and prosperous married life. dated 30.may.1987 ”

I could see the surprise on my dad’s face to hold that bowl and smile.

I think i quite know what went in his mind.

‘It is amazing that the bowl survived all these years, and it still is as good as new, not just that bowl, knowing my mom she will have tons of things preserved and taken care of. ‘

My point here is, it’s not just the things, it is them, their love, their marriage, that has survived 7+30=37 years. It’s brilliant and I know that it will survive their eternity.

I want this. If I do get married then, it will only be for this,

 a love that can survive all the ups and downs in life, a love that becomes the very home we live in, a love that is consuming, passionate and deeply understanding, a love that is not blinded by trust but founded on strong faith , a love like this.

When we do meet, can we try to have this.

My dad’s patience and my mom’s selfless nature along with their love together survived all 37 yrs could bring to them. 

What will ours be like ? will it make our kids want to have the same, like I yearn for what my parents have, nothing less.

Your’s in God’s time,

Lea.

As HE spoke to me.

Dear Friends, 

This chapter:  Jeremiah 31 : in the Bible helped me immensely to rekindle my faith. It is so clearly written to understand deeply and have hope because there’s simply so much God spoke to me in this.

I hope this touches you as it touched me.

My Lord speaks : ——————-

“My child, My dearest loving sweet child, When you were lost in the desert of a false life and false belief, I was with you, I showed you my mercy. Remember My love,  My mercy and grace will help you overcome all your shortcomings and limitations. 

I have always loved you, My child, always, and I continue to show you my constant love. I will rebuild you, and equip you with everything that you shall need as I will guide you to the storms you face in life, and I will lead you to a road back to me where you will not stumble.

Trust me My love, Have so much faith that you can trust me blindly, for I will never let you down.

If the devil has given you the thoughts, that I have punished you, that I have scattered your emotions and your life in a whirlwind, that it is my fault that you are suffering, Listen to me, Please , Speak to me, do not let him make you believe in him and doubt me. I will gather you, and your hurt feelings, I will guard you like the good shepherd I am. I will set you free from the evil trap, let Me in , my child. Let Me do this for You.

Only I can save you. Will you let me ? Because when I do, you shall be overjoyed and delighted with all the blessings I shower you with. With Me, you will be well taken care of, and all your needs will be satisfied. I will comfort you like a mother to her child, I will turn your mourning into joy, your sorrow into gladness. Believe in Me.

I am not a genie here to grant your wishes. I am Your God, Your Father, Your creator, I know so much more about you and your needs than you know yourself and even more than your own father and mother. I know your every thought, I know my plan for your life, for your future, your prosperity. 

Stop your crying and wipe away your tears.

My dear parents, don’t forget that you too are my children, even when you I have blest with my other children, even as you grow older, you are still my children as your chidren are to you, no matter how old they get, for you they will always be your small babies you want to protect, like I do. I assure you, all that you have done for your children will not go unrewarded; each time you placed your child before your wishes, dreams and happiness, I will bless you with even greater rewards. Your children are mine, and I will deliver them from the hands of our enemy/ satan.

My child, There is hope for your future; a HOPE that I will always give you, even when you feel that flame extinguished, I will let it burn within you. For my Hope for you is endless and so should your faith in me be. You are my dearest child, the one I love best, my love for you is boundless. 

Whenever I mention your name, I think of you with love. My heart goes out to you; just like a mothers flutters the moment she see’s her newborn. You do that to me each time you look upwards to me and call for me with faith and hope in your eyes. You give me pure joy to help you my child.

Come to me even when you have wronged me, I will be merciful, because my love will overpower all the wrongs you do. Because your wrongs are not you, you are my pure child, created will pure love, if the evil tempts you , try not to give in, I will help you if you ask me. I will not hold your wrongs against you. If you have gone astray, far away from me, it is never too late to return, I am waiting for you. Think of me, say my Name, It has power, believe and you shall find your way back to Me. Even when the evil tempts you to believe that it is futile, that there is no way back, that you are stuck, and I will not forgive you and accept you, Do not believe him.

After all that I have said to you, believe me, have faith in my love, Do not be afraid of me. I am Your father, even if I do get angry, Don’t you think it is my right to be so, as your father, allow me  to correct you, to lead you, to guide you, to protect you, to help you.

Come back my love, Come back home. Come back to me. You will always find a way back to me.  My spirit will guide you.

I will refresh your weary self and will satisfy your hunger with good food for your spirit.

 My child, when I test you, lead you to the deep waters, as I took care to uproot, to pull down, to overthrow, to destroy, and to demolish you, so will I take care to plant and build you into something more stronger and beautiful. Let me shape and mould you for the plans I have in store for you. Be open to My Will, it will be easy when you focus on me.

Have you ever seen an artist or a potter at work, how mystical it is to watch, you are my canvas, my clay , I am the creator , I will make the best of you , be patient with me, the longer I take with you, the results will be even more spectacular. Let me do what I must to make the most of you. Never lose faith in me.

Also remember , no sins are passed down to generations, no one is punished for the wrongs of others, do not curse, because curses belong to the evil one, they will bite back. Bless everyone, even the ones that make you doubt my plan. Bless your situations, Pray to me, I will speak to you.

My word is the portal for us to meet in prayer. Each one shall be held guilty for your own wrongdoings, until you repent and come back to me. Then, I will reside in the temple within you. I will be Your God, and You will be my precious child. I will forgive all of your sins and no longer remember your wrongs. I, the Lord, have spoken.

All of yourself will be rebuilt as my child, my own. You are sacred to me, in totality;  sin or without sin, good and bad, I will accept you, never reject you , for you are my sweet child, my love, I will never again let you be torn down or destroyed. I will make you whole in Me.

Much Love and blessings always,

Your loving Father.

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Let’s read the Word of the Lord along with it.

Jeremiah 31 (GNT)

 ² In the desert I showed mercy to those people who had escaped death. When the people of Israel longed for rest, ³ I appeared to them from far away. People of Israel, I have always loved you, so I continue to show you my constant love. ⁴ Once again I will rebuild you. ”

⁹ I will guide them to streams of water,
    on a smooth road where they will not stumble.

¹⁰ The Lord says,

I scattered my people, but I will gather them
    and guard them as a shepherd guards his flock.
¹¹ I have set Israel’s people free
    and have saved them from a mighty nation.
¹² They will come and sing for joy on Mount Zion
    and be delighted with my gifts—
 
They will be like a well-watered garden;
    they will have everything they need.
¹³ Then the  young and old, will rejoice.
I will comfort them and turn their mourning into joy,
    their sorrow into gladness.
¹⁴ I will fill the priests with the richest food
    and satisfy all the needs of my people.
I, the Lord, have spoken.”

¹⁶ Stop your crying
    and wipe away your tears.
All that you have done for your children
    will not go unrewarded;
    they will return from the enemy’s land.
¹⁷ There is hope for your future;
    your children will come back home.
    I, the Lord, have spoken.

²⁰ “Israel, you are my dearest child,
    the one I love best.
Whenever I mention your name,
    I think of you with love.
My heart goes out to you;
    I will be merciful.
²¹ Set up signs and mark the road;
    find again the way by which you left.
Come back, people of Israel,
    come home to the towns you left.

²⁵ I will refresh those who are weary and will satisfy with food everyone who is weak from hunger. 

²⁶ So then, people will say, ‘I went to sleep and woke up refreshed.’

²⁸ And just as I took care to uproot, to pull down, to overthrow, to destroy, and to demolish them, so I will take care to plant them and to build them up. ²⁹ When that time comes, people will no longer say,

‘The parents ate the sour grapes,
But the children got the sour taste.’

³⁰ Instead, those who eat sour grapes will have their own teeth set on edge; and everyone will die because of their own sin.”

³³ The new covenant that I will make with the people of Israel will be this: I will put my law within them and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. ³⁴ None of them will have to teach a neighbor to know the Lord, because all will know me, from the least to the greatest. I will forgive their sins and I will no longer remember their wrongs. I, the Lord, have spoken.”

³⁵ The Lord provides the sun for light by day,
    the moon and the stars to shine at night.
He stirs up the sea and makes it roar;
    his name is the Lord Almighty.
³⁶ He promises that as long as the natural order lasts,
    so long will Israel be a nation.

³⁸ “The time is coming,” says the Lord, “when all of Jerusalem will be rebuilt as my city.

⁴⁰ The entire valley, where the dead are buried and garbage is dumped, and all the fields above Kidron  as far as the Horse Gate to the east, will be sacred to me. The city will never again be torn down or destroyed.”

The Word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.

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God has got this. He will hold me.

God is mighty.He is merciful. He is patient. Slow to become angry. Full on constant love. His love reigns through generations. He knows us through and through. He knows our today, yesterdays and tomorrows.

If the birds of the sky are taken care of, the animals, the fishes. Wont he take care of you and me? Us who he made in his own likeness. Us whom he loves more than anything. Even when we are faithless, He is faithful. He waits and never gives up on us. He forgives and refreshes us. He heals and blesses.
How magical indeed it is to be a child of the most High ? What a blessing!
Yet we fail to know His love,His plans . We doubt. We  fall prey to Satan’s advocates- fear , doubt, anxiety, pride, anger, frustration, worry…and so on.
Did God not say n number of times:

“Do not be afraid ” “I will never forsake you. My love for you is eternal.”

“I will make you victorious.” “I have great plans for you, plans to bring you prosperity and peace.” “Peace I give to you” “I have carved you on the palm of my hand.” ” through me you have everything you need.” “Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened for you.”

God Almighty will help us through our battles.  He will help us be victorious. In trials let us BE STILL.  And remember He is Lord. He is our shield. Our protector. We are being prepared for a life with HIM. Let’s not get trapped in the world but find our way back to Him. Reach out and He will hold you. Ask and He will answer. He is always there.  May we all learn to become better children to our FATHER. AMEN.

#2 Random thought of the day

Faith !
Love !
Hope !
If you have these,  you have the treasure everyone seeks..
You are the richest and the most blest.

-Leandra

The mighty pause

DEAR  ME,

It’s been a very long time indeed. I haven’t been myself in this period- I’ll refer to as “the pause of my life.”

It had been a whirlpool of riotic feelings and pessimistic visions for as long as it lasted.

I am truly glad it’s over. The most difficult time in it all was for me to realise and accept that I had the key to shut it all once and for good. But I took my own time drilling me into an ocean of  desolation and grumpiness.

I took time feeling unworthy, shattered, lost, and seeing failures and dark pits at every horizon.

They kept telling me ” this ain’t you, wake up. I learnt to be brave from you. I learnt to accept change from you. I learnt to be optimistic from you.  You can’t be this negative. Stop inflicting self pity and torture.”

The words rang deep. But all I felt was hollow. It felt unreal, did I really mean all that? Did I really be someone who I am not now? How did I change? How do I change back? Where do I find the key I misplaced?

Questions and questions.. Never ending ordeal of pessimistic notions.

So many “Cannots, may nots, Will not, have not, not enough,…. ”

Oh! God save me, It felt like someone was ripping my soul before me to shreds and I stood there dumb, shakened, absorbed in the ruthless moment of misery.

It felt like someone inside me wanted to scream but I just couldn’t break free. I didn’t know how, nor when, nor what.

It’s just a moment that was all that I needed to snap out of this nightmare.

What a horrifying nightmare indeed!

There’s alot this pause taught me.

Analysing the situation. Analysing my life, me.

Accepting that I can control  the thoughts that  govern my life.  That I will see the good in the bad. That I will be an optimist in the most undesired life situations. That I can go beyond this phase of negativity and lunge into the heaven of good positive vibes.

Things that we lose are things that we dont deserve. Things that we get are beautiful blessons ( blessings+ lessons).

Sometimes it is so difficult to forgive, when you are not asked to forgive. Sometimes it’s so difficult to forget what you forgive. And Sometimes it is so difficult to accept the wrongs you’ve done and to move on. Yet in time, we do it all naturally. Do not force yourself, what has to happen will find a way gradually.

Life never promised that the canvas would remain colourless. When there are colours of warmt and liveliness, everyone feels the joy, but when the canvas gets splayed with dark spots, not everyone is able to appreciate the hidden beauty in it.

Not everyone is able to see the better picture before us.

It takes time to see through what we don’t want to see.

It takes time to accept what we are not ready to.

And it takes time to appreciate what we accept.

There’s a hell lot of difference when we say, we forgive from our heart and keep no grudges, no regrets, no remorse, no crudeness, no hatred. The question is what or whom do we forgive?

The deed and the person are two differentiable things.

When you forgive the deed, you have forgiven the person. You have forgiven yourself. And so to rest you have laid your negative emotions. You have compassion towards you and your fellow beings. You won’t run or escape or ignore what is so tangible and before your eyes. You can face anything, when you have the peace within. This peace gives strength, hope, faith and courage to be more resilient and more welcoming to the endless difficult phases of life.

And when you forgive the person without forgiving the deed. You will never be at peace. You will never be able to be compassionate with yourself.

To reach out to your soul, you need to be at peace- peace that stills away all that is unbalanced and let’s you walk through the doorway to meet your own-inner-self. Only then you feel relaxed and calm.

You need to succumb to no evil pressures but to God ( any Positive source of energy) alone.

You need to be in oneness, with the image of your soul. Only through compassion you can see the reflection of your soul in the acts of your human form.

(what I meant by “Deed” : Deed is that act or moment or notion that you find unforgivable, or that disturbs you internally, or makes you lose your sense of judging reality)

“TAKE IT EASY, BUT DON’T TAKE IT LIGHT.” – these words my brother said to me will always be with me.

Negativity of your thoughts and people takes us nowhere but into worse negative situations..

But positivity will take us a long way, its a slow but the best antidote for a long term life gain..

I failed in my efforts to get my goal, the goal I always wanted. But now because of this pause I am suddenly not so sure, if it still is what I want. I will take my time to find a way in or a way out.

But for the time that I lost, I can’t use the time that I have in wailing and sniffing about it. I need to restucture my way of life, so I know That I will never have to worry about unstable roots again. I need to focus on growing and learning to bloom in spring, to provide shade in summer, to give warmth every winter, to reach out to the sun, to be a shelter to those in need, to absorb the negativity around and give away positive vibes, to plant a tree of hope and self-reliance in everyone who walks by me.

I need to never forget to be ever so grateful, for the arms that reached out to me, the smiles that encouraged me, the love that helped me out a mess I created. Thank you.

And the best thing that the pause gave me is the experience of God. That he never forsakes. That it’s okay to fall, but it’s not okay  to not try to rise after the fall. That I am His Child, born to be victorious. And I have a spirit of life and peace that sets me free from all bondages of evil, sin and darkness.

And here I am resurfacing  from the depths of the unwanted sea of pessimism.

I am the writer of my life, and I will write it till the end.

I will change the course of my ship, when I have to, even if I’m not ready.

I will enjoy the nasty jerks and mild swings of every tide.

I will build my life into something that I will always love.

And I will appreciate the fact that at all times I HAVE ENOUGH.

I will live a life of gratitude.