Dear Future Husband #5

Hey love,

I hope you are doing better than just fine.

I’m kinda chirpy today, might be a writeup I just read about love.

And that makes me want to write to you.

Since you aren’t around yet, what better than write you these letters which hopefully someday you might have the patience and love to read.

I want you to know that I might be as clueless as you or as understanding as you when it comes to the word love.

I want you to be able to open up to me about anything you wish for me to know, and trust me, I will be as understanding as I can. I will accept you with all your flaws and skeletons of the past, and I will hope you give me the same in return.

A chance to heal from wounds that sometimes still hurt, a chance to fall in love without the fear of being ruined , a chance to stay in love till death embraces me, a chance to the acceptance that I fear will never be mine.

I want to be madly in love with you someday, and I’ll want nothing lesser from you, because to love and stay in love is a promise of togetherness, and that needs two to tango to the rythmn of bliss.

I will never expect a bed of roses without thorns, but I will expect your hand to help me stand when I fall, and my arms will always be open to embrace you in our roughest patches.

I want to not hold back on the love I have, when I have you, because I assure you , I am able to love blindly, completely and totally. And I do know such love is consuming and passionate and toxic, but I also know that despite you having the key to toss me to my ashes, you will lead me to the best person I can ever be.

I see us Praying with Gospel music, singing like crazy lovesicks, dancing to relaxing music, laughing in the bright sunshine, and walking in comfortable soothing silence on a darkest twinkling night across the shore.

May be we could even paint bits of our home together, and with you probably cooking might be even more fun. I will wait for the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, my heart running miles and for sparks to fly. Because as much as I know these are words good in books, I still believe we can have it in our real life. And so even though I’m a dreamer here, I will not stop to visualize.

I’m sorry if I’m burdening you with a lot already, but  right now, I can’t help hoping to wake up to tomorrows like this.

See , now you know I’m a hopeless romantic.

Your’s in God’s time.

Your future wife.

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Secure Insecure Curses.

Insecurities always kill my good vibes.

They are always too loud,

too disheartening,

always limiting my abilities.

And Sometimes I don’t want to feel the screams of the self criticism,

because I’m not in a race to fit in,

but in a journey to self love.

So honey, am I wrong if I am learning to love all my edges ?

Every darkest insecurity included.

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Why is it so very difficult to get past some offensive, embarrassing or hurtful memories ?

Like “That’s not your size, it’s for the slimmer people.”  – means I shouldn’t dare touch it, it’s off limits, and taboo.

“That shade is too awful on you, you can’t wear it off .” –  means don’t you dare think you are Barbie, so you can pull off any damn color.

You know you are cute, yeah just cute, and they call me beautiful, but you are cute.” – means don’t bother, you can never be beautiful. The term beautiful includes inner beauty too, but naah, beautiful is a face that screams attention.

“You are a bookworm, nothing good will happen of you .” – Like seriously if I find books more interesting and friendly then overly dominating and hypocritical behavior, and I choose them over you, I don’t damn need your horrid curses.

You are always with your studies and your work, you don’t even know what a social life is .” – I’m sorry, if by social life you meant be a gossip queen like you, and spend like I own a freaking bank , when it’s not really the money I earned? I’m so sorry, I want to build a career and earn and not look like a gold digger as you. Because quite honestly, I will always prefer the person I am over you a million times.

You are beyond repair. Unless you hit the gym you’ll never get in shape.” – I didn’t realize you were attracted to amoeba me. Because your words depict a shapeless me. Like seriously If I’m amoeba, I have the super power to change shapes and alter my personality. No. one change, is cutting loose from heartless people like you.

You are getting older. Try looking for good guys that are hard to get. My daughter is lucky she found love. But if you don’t hurry, you might remain a spinster for life.” – Like fucking seriously, get real. Just because your daughter found love, does not mean everybody else is loveless. There’s a time for everything. And even if I stay a spinster for life, why is it bothering you so damn much . I lost repect for you, when you had such shallow thoughts for me.

.
Every time I have met my critiques, they have given me some serious verbal wounds that had a lasting impact on me. They engraved insecurity in me.

Insecurities that are so freaking loud, that everytime my blouse was alil short above my hips, I’d be as conscious as a rat smelling cheese, or everytime I see a couple in love, I would end up wondering if what she said might come true ?

and when I see me struggling with my career I wonder if really there’s nothing good gonna happen of me .

………………..


People your words leave your mouth in seconds.

But they leave behind wounds that can never be healed in time. These wounds are the insecurities you engraved in a child 

-that craved to be told she is beautiful when the world made her feel ugly,

-that wanted to believe in love when it was too tough but you told her love might never be for her ,

-that wanted to love herself, and help others too, but you kept shaming her body, her thoughts, her love.

What cruel trap do you weave which you forget and never once rethink about, but your words have a child victimized for life to deal with a tortuous battle of “I am not enough.”



Why ! Thank you.

I appreciate your role in my life.

I’m glad I now know to not get my (future) kids anywhere near the likes of you.

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Mystery

She belonged to the era,

where tiny Pluto was the 9th planet,

and solar system was an enchanting mystery,

where milky way in a crazy galaxy,

was like a bed of sparkles and white roses,

and now as reality sinks in,

and pluto is called a dwarf planet,

her galaxies have even more darkness ,

faint sparkles with anxiety & roughness ,

the mysteries now lie in her history,

and just as pluto is a question in the planetorial seas,

her life is filled with less sweet dreams,

and more of harsh realities.

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I’m not cool. I choose Jesus.

I can write about my Lord so much, sometimes I can’t stop.
It’s not only a question of faith,

and I’m not a saint,

I AM JUST NOT ASHAMED TO TALK OR WRITE ABOUT HIM.
It is so sad when I see people mock faith, wear Rosary as an accessory more than a symbol of faith.

It is so sad when they mock people who talk abit about God, and call you dramatic.
Faith is losing importance day by day.

And that is even more sad.
I’m glad I’m not too caught up to look good and acceptable and cool, because that might win me a better crowd, but will surely not give me soulful peace.

In the quiet of a church or a temple, or any place of worship, there is a sense of divinity, a mystical beautiful calming feeling that allows you to sit in stillness, and the silence is not deafening. 

I’m so glad that we Christians still do have hours of holy adoration where we sit together in silent prayer before the Holy Sacrament, and for once in such moments – life is not a rat race, not making me want to run, chase or break.

It simply offers a divine peace and acceptance.
And that is something about faith.

In such moments we don’t have to be told what power there is in stillness. And yet when the numerous times we read the bible  verse “Be still” it really makes no much sense, untill you feel the holy presence our divine Lord in these moments of prayful meditation.

We listen to them sing, praise and worship, and we part take in it all, there are such moments where words spoken then hit you hard, make you want to cry down, there is depth, and you can feel the holiness of our Lord engulfing you and blanketing you. Its like magic all around, I very often am mesmerized with the feel of this. Even a person lacking faith, will start to believe in this mystical divinity.

Have faith. Be still. Feel HIM. He is near. He speaks in the silence. In the most deafening silence, the chaos is in your head, listen to your heart because He lives there, He awaits for you to acknowledge, and when you do, Silence will be the most peaceful place , you’d want to live in, with Him.

Stay blest. God bless. I will always choose my Jesus. Will you too ?
#leeevibes

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Dear Future Husband #4

Hey hubs,

If you see me right now. You’ll probably be horrified. I’m fighting anxiety and stress when it’s blowing me crazy.

I’m terrified. And then I breathe and repeat in my head that “This too shall pass.”

Had you met me a few years back down the lane, you’d probably meet a total contrast of myself right now.

She was much more focused, happy, successful and going after a dream crazy girl. All organized and planning and being the meticulously brilliant.

She had a better impact on people she cared about .

I know things have gone downhill.

That girl , believe me , never ever failed.  She always aced.

Me now , is a victim to procrastination and self doubts. The first time I failed perhaps made a huge impact. The cycle is still on. And I can’t find a way to resurface. Everything seems to be just going haywire. I have had difficult experiences at work. Somehow they made me have far too many self doubts, especially my first work place experience, it did leave a massive scar.

Sometimes the things you need to let go,  perhaps you have let gone, aren’t the things you can ever easily forget. And so even when you blend in, it still makes you feel like your life’s missing the cream. And along with a zillion blessings, there will also be a dozen regrets.

And no matter how you try reframe your mind to function, until you find your inner peace back again, you can’t stop the inner rain . This is exactly how you drain your happiness and harness a void. And to fill it back, you crave for light and some magic beans like Jack trapped in soiled. Because that is what we crave – Hope- for a better tomorrow. A way out of a mess.

I keep having thoughts of not feeling like I have it in me. But I know I do. I can do this. If only i break out of this miserable phase.

I wish you were around so I could talk like this for real, and some how I could rely on your support mechanism to motivate me and help me get back to what I can achieve.

I hope I do it on my own though. I can’t wait for you to turn up, it might be too late to save me from my ruins then.

I’m an emotional wreck with a career block. Or do I have a career here as a writer and artist  ?

I’m still trying to figure out.

You know what hurt love ?

Is meeting the teachers who once had that pride in their eyes , that I secured a rank, a state rank at academics. But years later when I see them, they could see me struggling, and all I saw was pity.

That hurts.

Me feeling miserable is one thing, others who once were proud of your achievement looking down on you, is just another new feeling to deal with.

I want to so desperately get this phase over with.

I hope you are doing fine, unlike me.

If not I pray God help you too, because along the way I’ll need you to be my pillar.

And as I hush my fears, and breathe, asking Lord to give me courage, I want you to know , even though I’m struggling, I’m still brave.

I will fight this. Because the good thing is a reward that I’ll have, a motivating career perhaps, but the better thing is , Someday I’ll have you.

If I know something, is that, having someone to love and be loved, to share and be there, makes the tough rides feel alot better, alot more sweet and easy.

Take care love.

Come soon.

Your’s in God’s time,

Lea.

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Mind traps.

Failing the ‘n’th time,

reminded me of all that I did wrong,

knowing the approaching storm,

I can’t help feeling trapped too damn long.

The disease of procrastination had drugged me,

Even though I knew the way out,

I couldn’t find it.

But just today,

facing the inevitable made me see,

through the cracks of my shredded perseverance,

that I needed to reach above,

So He could give me deliverance,

from the not good enough, to the bad vibes,

from the doomed starts to the Can’t survive.

All these are mind traps,

weaved by the devil so specialized,

It’s time to break free and stop self criticize.

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Story of Tough Faith .

Let me tell you a story, once upon a time, there was a man , who had a lovely family, a wife that stood by him through all the ups and downs, a son who knew the struggle and wanted to help his father, and an ignorant daughter protected like a princess.

She never knew that they had days when the struggle was so tough, that even though there was a roof on their head, her father and mother wouldn’t know what new storms tomorrow had.

The only thing that kept him going was his children and his wife, because they were not his weakness but his life, his strength, the positive things to be grateful about in a never ending negative life.

And each day in this struggle he became this ardous, loving and hard working man.

Together with his wife he nourished his kids with invaluable priceless values and gifts. Gifts that only struggle could give.

Gifts of being grounded even when we rise above the hardships. Gifts of being happy with what they had. Gifts of enjoying small things with great joy. Gifts of living a simple, beautiful and meaningful life.

Gifts of being humble and never losing hope. Values of not doubting God and never failing to pray, even in the most weakest and hardest moments , to give it all to him, and rest in his care.

To believe that one day this man that washed and repaired cars, that one day that this man who was mocked about, that one day this man who did not once think of his dreams, that one day this man who started from a pin, One day this man would FINALLY LIFE’S STRUGGLES WIN.

This man that burnt in the sun, tirelessly day in and day out, this man that ran about to fetch us all that we need, this man that kept us all under his wings.

He is my Father. 

My king. And I want to tell you. That I am proud of you. And that I love you.

I am never ashamed of this. You’ll are the wonders worth writing about, so all can read.

I wanted to write this to remind me of the days long gone, but the very days that made you the man I call my hero, my MAN OF STEEL.

And if you dada are like this, I can only imagine How much Our FATHER in HEAVEN loves us.

He never left you in your struggle only because you remained faithful to Him.

And this is the greatest lesson of the many you taught us through your actions.

Life at times is a challenge, one that defeats you, degrades you, makes you lose hope and faith. That grinds you till you break. But it also leads you to a new door of hope each time you fail , and when you take God’s hand and let him guide you, you will be uplifted in the most unexpected ways and unexpected times with blessings that make you believe in His power and glorious  plans.

Times did change, now Dada, God has blest you with everything, every damn thing that once was a dream. And if we sometimes feel a tiny pinch, then it is a reminder for us to look up, and live with HIM. HE WILL LEAD US WHERE HE NEEDS US. 

For the many times I fail you’ll, I am truly very sorry.

There is simply no other set of parents I’d rather have.

It’s only you. You’ll are the greatest blessings we are blest with.

I am not very best with speeches and saying things aloud. It’s the way I am. So this is for you and for me to remember our blessed roots.

With so much love my heart can offer,

Your ever protected daughter.

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Words. Some false. Some harshly true. – Let it cast a magical spell. Over me and you..!!

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