Dear Future Husband #4

Hey hubs,

If you see me right now. You’ll probably be horrified. I’m fighting anxiety and stress when it’s blowing me crazy.

I’m terrified. And then I breathe and repeat in my head that “This too shall pass.”

Had you met me a few years back down the lane, you’d probably meet a total contrast of myself right now.

She was much more focused, happy, successful and going after a dream crazy girl. All organized and planning and being the meticulously brilliant.

She had a better impact on people she cared about .

I know things have gone downhill.

That girl , believe me , never ever failed.  She always aced.

Me now , is a victim to procrastination and self doubts. The first time I failed perhaps made a huge impact. The cycle is still on. And I can’t find a way to resurface. Everything seems to be just going haywire. I have had difficult experiences at work. Somehow they made me have far too many self doubts, especially my first work place experience, it did leave a massive scar.

Sometimes the things you need to let go,  perhaps you have let gone, aren’t the things you can ever easily forget. And so even when you blend in, it still makes you feel like your life’s missing the cream. And along with a zillion blessings, there will also be a dozen regrets.

And no matter how you try reframe your mind to function, until you find your inner peace back again, you can’t stop the inner rain . This is exactly how you drain your happiness and harness a void. And to fill it back, you crave for light and some magic beans like Jack trapped in soiled. Because that is what we crave – Hope- for a better tomorrow. A way out of a mess.

I keep having thoughts of not feeling like I have it in me. But I know I do. I can do this. If only i break out of this miserable phase.

I wish you were around so I could talk like this for real, and some how I could rely on your support mechanism to motivate me and help me get back to what I can achieve.

I hope I do it on my own though. I can’t wait for you to turn up, it might be too late to save me from my ruins then.

I’m an emotional wreck with a career block. Or do I have a career here as a writer and artist  ?

I’m still trying to figure out.

You know what hurt love ?

Is meeting the teachers who once had that pride in their eyes , that I secured a rank, a state rank at academics. But years later when I see them, they could see me struggling, and all I saw was pity.

That hurts.

Me feeling miserable is one thing, others who once were proud of your achievement looking down on you, is just another new feeling to deal with.

I want to so desperately get this phase over with.

I hope you are doing fine, unlike me.

If not I pray God help you too, because along the way I’ll need you to be my pillar.

And as I hush my fears, and breathe, asking Lord to give me courage, I want you to know , even though I’m struggling, I’m still brave.

I will fight this. Because the good thing is a reward that I’ll have, a motivating career perhaps, but the better thing is , Someday I’ll have you.

If I know something, is that, having someone to love and be loved, to share and be there, makes the tough rides feel alot better, alot more sweet and easy.

Take care love.

Come soon.

Your’s in God’s time,

Lea.

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2 thoughts on “Dear Future Husband #4”

  1. This may have been written for your future husband but Lee I absolutely know the feeling you were talking about and I had just gone through the same (recovering now). God bless you and you’ll always be that amazing Senior I used to look up to (still am for the person you are now!).

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