I realized I really had an unhealthy obsession about my best friend.
I get over possessive and overly hurt when my mountain of hideous expectations fail me.
Very often we unknowingly let our lives revolve around such obsessions.
Whilts there is endless love and acceptance that I have found in her humble soul,
I cannot let myself obsess over it and expect the unthinkable.
I need to let loose of people, of people I love.
I cannot cling on to them, because that is unhealthy and toxic.
I need to learn to understand what it is to stand alone and on my own and accept myself at that value .
It’s tough to realise the vicious cycle that I weaved around me, its a trap, and when I finally see the clarity , it really feels like a break up.
Whilst I need to undo the damage and pain I am self inflicting on me, I need to figure how things and my life should be, I need more clarity on making God my first priority and then me .
Sometimes you just realise things very late.
But when you do, you just need to change what is, what was and make something better out of it.
Break out of unhealthiness and unhappiness and march into contentment and self joy.
It is not selfish of me to decide to change so as to hold myself together.
It is not selfish of me to stop over investing and over prioritizing people who’s lives dont really revolve around mine, which I had an illusion about, because mine did revolve around them. And believe me when the clarity sunk in, it hurt, it hurt real bad.
Whilst they have their lives together, and a plan ahead, I need to work on mine, get my deteriorating life balanced and stable.
I am not a negative person, and I don’t hate them. They are still and will always be the people I love.
But henceforth they shall be people I love and not obsess about.
It’s quite a challenge but With God I can do this.
Today I come to You, with all the bondages and obsessions and addictions that I have tied and weaved my life around.
I know and see and feel how they are slowly degrading me and making me lose myself in a pit of self torture and lamentations.
I come to You, so You may lead me on, help me find my lost way, and make me whole , restored and renewed.
Help me Lord that I may seek You and make You my life’s centre. Help me remain united in Your Spirit.
Fill me with Your grace, and rejuvenate my dying self with Your eternal love.
For with You alone , I have no disappointments, no hurt, no distractions, no addictions, no pain , no misery.
For with You, I know I will find myself with what’s left of me.
For with You, I shall be victorious.
In the Most Holy , Precious and powerful name of my Lord Jesus Christ.